Fear of what is going to happen tomorrow

tomorrow

tomorrow 

tomorrow

...it is easy for people who have nothing to fear to not fear tomorrow. I have much to fear because daily I struggle with tmau

rejection Hurts

loss HURTS
 

being ignored...HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

only people who have experienced chronic social rejection as I have will understand

Recently....I have made a new friend

a guy

who I like and he seems to like me

He has struggled a lot in his life 

and I think he could sense that I have too

which makes me feel vulnerable 

but I guard myself like a warrior-- it would have to be a intensely- in -love -with- me-take-on-all-my past-future-and pain- man to get through the barriers I have constructed around myself

....I don't smell all the time, and I find I rarely do in moments of peace

I feel peace with the guy friend

for now anyway

I have no expectations

of course I have dreams

but I have been hurt too much to expect anything in relationships besides my family and very close friends

I feel like at any moment- BAM! I can experience painful rejection....

ugh

 

still my daily prayer to God recently has been somewhat emo....but its the truth

"God" I say

"I have done all I can do with what I have control over-- the rest is up to you. If you want I will suffer or I will have peace. I want your help, I ask that you rescue me-- I don't want to suffer."

That's all I can say.

The times I have prayed it God has come through. Though, He never seems to eliminate all pain from my life. Nor is He afraid to devastate me.But He always does eventually comfort me in my devastation....even though I am flailing around on the ground in tears and anger at Him

My moments of devastation must have purpose

But much of this fear is that I know God has said He would rescue me-- but not yet. I have been told three times that God is waiting to heal me...

but the good thing is that He said He would heal me ( not just healing from tmau, soul healing, heart healing, emotions...etc)

the Bad thing....right now severe suffering seems like a constant threat

I am warn out from waiting

but...I think it is coming soon :)

Hugs

Shame

I think the single most emotionally//psychologically damaging effects of tmau is that it causes immense shame.

Shame is that feel in of "I am am Bad and worthless in my core", "I am a defective human being", "I have no value."

Because of the fact that I am a Highly Sensitive Person, a approval addict and have had questionable self esteem since I was young-- I have always had a unconscious struggle with shame

But tmau has brought that struggle out and in the forefront

The more I read about shame the more I see how shame driven I am and those around me are.

Shame is an emotion that is more or less unbearable to the human mind. You ignore it, distract yourself from it, project it onto someone else or self punish (emotionally/ physically) to escape the shame...all of which are  harmful ways of coping.

So how does one cope with Shame? What about with the shame from tmau?

I don't have the answers yet....but I do have ways I have tried to cope 

1. Read about people who have struggled badly in life and still live and thrive in the ways they can. One of my favorite inspirations is Stephanie Neilson- wife, mother, author- who suffered life altering burns from an accident

She has encouraged my days

2. Write to God. Some days He is the ONLY one I can communicate with. Some days I am very alone, emotional/ physically-- but He is there. 

3.Ask yourself-- "Is this logical shame?" Of course I should feel ashamed or a feeling of badness if I harm a innocent person. That is logical. It can cause change and restoration. It is however VERY ILLOGICAL for me to feel bad about a condition I didn't ask for and can not control. 

Moments of rejection are painful and its hard to block out hurt in those moments but later in your quiet time calm yourself with the understanding that you don't need to feel guilt or shame-- you have done nothing wrong.

4. Find a counselor you can trust( someone compassionate and safe) to tell about your tmau struggles to

I am still struggling daily with shame. In some moments it is disabling and I have to just watch a movie to escape the pain of it. But...

every day there is new hope

and hope is stronger than shame

Turbulent Days, Still Evenings

I have had turbulent days

and still evenings

Days were I wonder what the future will hold, will I find a place of acceptance and romantic love? Will I have a family? Will I? Will I? Will I?

Will I be able to show my true self, the self that laughed as a child and stared at sunsets....cause I am still that girl....

Will peace come soon?

I feel that it will. :)

Bitter Sweet Days

My days have been bitter sweet.

Some days I feel God is carrying me through, some days He lets me feel the pain of rejection, stress, hurt-- some days He lets me suffer something wild

One of my smells is at times a burnt smell almost like rubber or cigarette smoke.

unfortunately one guy at my job commented when he stood near me that something smelled like it was burning-- twice! I think he and maybe a few other people think I smoke cigarettes ( one guy implied he thought I did)....yet I have never smoked anything a day in my life....

Grr....Tmau is the weirdest

some of my experiences are so bizarre its almost funny...if it didn't hurt so bad :(

Regardless, so far everyone at work is nice to me....

I even have a guy who gave me his number and we have talked on the phone and texted.

It has been nice to talk to a guy and have someone interested in me

I don't necessarily except anything to come of it but I like his personality so far. He seems kind, and hes had hurt in his life-- and ive been known to be very attracted to people with wounds.

He doesn't seem manipulative or mean though, which usually is attached to my wounded attractions.

Anyway...his attention has given me some "Sweet" to all my "Bitter" moments.

And...as for God.....

 God has been doing weird things toward me.

I can tell he loves me some days so clear-- I will find a book in a store that addresses the exact pains of my heart

It will rain very very hard and I will feel peace right when I was about to have a emotional breakdown. ( Im obsessed with rain)

He  will carry me through a semester that I expected to fail. Ex. I was unable to finish my final paper and exam- stress/health reasons. I should have failed....my teacher initially was going to fail me--but then miraculously gave me two more weeks.....

I have now been told three times by three separate people over a span of several months about the story of Lazarus as applied to my current state of suffering....how Jesus waited and Lazarus died and then Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead...

How Jesus mourned because he loved Lazarus, but he had to wait...

Some days I'm so angry and hurt about God not protecting me from all the trauma I have experienced....and whether I know why or not....God is definitely waiting....he knows that I am "dying" emotionally, or my dreams are dying, and He is waiting...

I'm curious to know what it will feel like when he raises my dreams from the dead...

I cant wait

My heart is still hurting but I like this message

My heart is still hurting and I'm feeling low on faith and hope but I like this message

It helped calm my anger a little

http://pastormyron.blogspot.com/

Today I hurt and am ANGRY at God

Today I hurt

I felt so angry thinking about how other people can move freely and not worry about tmau

I felt so angry and jealous looking at young mothers with children- married and smiling. It made me think about my dreams to marry and have kids and the pain of rejection I've endured in my adult life has made that feel so impossible.

I felt so angry at God for not protecting me. Frankly in this moment He seems deeply cruel and corrupt to me. I'm sure my parents would gasp at that statement but I don't care-- my parents have not lived through what I have lived through.

I feel like its SOOO much easier for people to follow God that have not endured a dehumanizing medical conditions such as tmau. I get so annoyed when people act like its so easy for them with their relationship with God.

My relationship with God is at this point a thin fiber. I tell God i don't want to talk to him again but then I do because in reality I am all alone inside myself. No one understands exactly the pain in myself-- sadly-- except God.

I rage at God because Im hurting SOOO BAD and hes just watching!?--- and then I rush to him to tell him how unbelievably sad, alone, confused and desperate I feel. Then someone tells me something and I feel inspired-- I am Lazarus, I am Job, I am the bleeding woman....then I feel inspired-- and think to myself God does love me and the suffering is for a reason.

I gain a little trust.

I feel a little rest.

Then something happens. A slight rejection, a perceived or even imaginary rejection and I feel all alone again-- unsafe, unprotected, scared, hurt, bleeding in my soul, screaming and making no sound, I feel like a invisible child

and then I rage at God again-- because once again-- He has let me suffer in the ways that most wounds my mind.

 Im enraged at God for letting me hurt and suffer not only from tmau, but PTSD from tmau.

Its a sad place to be. But im going to be frank-- that is my relationship with God right now. I hope it will not always be like this, but that is where I am. 

Life seems so dark right now frankly. My PTSD symptoms are intense and I just realized the past two semesters in school the stress had caused me to dissociate. For two semesters I was more or less detached from my true self/ emotions/feelings/ thoughts. Wonderful( sarcastic voice)

My bodies starting to thaw out-- but im like dang....is this really going to be how life goes for me...

I need something stable, a rest, a cushion and I need that now....I need to know i am safe because I could not feel more unsafe in this world

My PTSD symptoms also cause me to feel VERY HELPLESS A LOT. It is a awful feeling and I am very accustomed to it.

Right now I am sad. Period.

Send hugs for me through your thoughts. :) 

I send you all hugs with my thoughts....

hug

With Love,

Black Rose

My first day of work and a bittersweet blog that touched my heart

So!

First day of work went....wonderfully.

I am tense whenever a day goes as well as that-- because so much of my life has felt like a blur of frantic stress and haze. But my first day was truly a good day.

I am a greeter at a apparel store-- a HUGE store.

Plus number 1-- open airy spaces make me happy and more confident.

Plus number 2-- I stand RIGHT in front of the door! YAYA-- more fresh air!

Plus 3-- lots of guys, and I'm not saying that in a shady way-- I am just more comfortable around guys because they don't seem to have the intense smell perception that us women have( I think it has to do with women becoming mothers and needing strong smell senses to protect children from harm-- that's what my mom said happens during pregnancy anyway).

So fingers crossed...I'm just taking it day by day. WE SHALL SEE....

And the other  thing I wanted to talk about is this blog I found that gave me some hope--strangely

This girl Christina was paralyzed in a diving accident.

It changed her life from that of a vibrant young teacher in love

to a paralyzed woman trapped in her own body and longing for her old life, and lover ( though he remained a constant figure of compassion in her life) and wishing for time to turn back

She became a artist, a beautiful artist I might add-- learning to paint with her teeth. She painted how she felt, what she was experiencing and how she was hurting.

The girl actually after 6 years of paralysis and constant physical and emotional torture took her own life by refusing care and food

When I read her story my own pain seemed like nothing in comparison to the anguish she endured and what she lost. I was sad to read that she took her life. She was so beautiful inside and out and seemed to have much honesty, sensitivity and warmth inside her.

But, even in the sadness of her trials and its ending she inspired me greatly. She inspired me to live as well as I can because I can walk, I can go to the bathroom by myself, shower by myself, comb my hair, sit up straight, use my hands

I can be independent

She lost that ability and It took her hope from her.

I will not forget her story or the words I read on her blog or her pictures. She has inspired me to use my pain to create beauty and to get up every day realizing the blessings I do have.

Christina's blog

 http://lifeparalyzed.blogspot.com/

With love,

Black Rose