Wonderful video about tmau

Dear Readers,

Inspiring YouTube video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trlfAl2NpQo&feature=fvst

Stronger!

Dear Readers,

I have an awesome brother( 2 actually). I called the older one last night with my emotions awry. He is the calmest, most unaffected man on the face of the earth. He is kind and compassionate and very artistic and popular at his campus.
His "whatever" attitude settles me down in my most crazed moments.
I am the quirky, bookish, quiet girl and he is the music making, hipster- the king of calm.

Anyway,
For the first time in my life I told him about the tmau and explained all about it. He had no idea. He said hes never smelled anything around me.
He listened to me and encouraged me.

He told me to do things to raise my self esteem. He told me to go shopping, try different style- like hipster....(hum maybe :).

He told me to stop feeling like I need to be nice all the time, and be honest with my emotions and become even more sociable to spite my tmau. To voice my voice.

He told me that he's smelled people before- he said he smelled girls in High School and College and even one of his close friends once. He said he approached a cute girl at one point and she smelled and he still just thought that she was cute.

He said to not care what anyone things of me and to focus on the people who like me.

He said everyone has their struggles even if I cant see them.


Hooray to being stronger!

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Why have I had to suffer?

Today I woke up bitter.
I felt bitter toward Life.
Toward myself.
Toward God.

My heart was hard today, trying to hide my pain.

I vented today.

I cried today.

It got really ugly.

About an hour ago I called one of my good friends and asked why God has allowed me to suffer so much and told her that I did not want to trust Him anymore.

She encouraged me that although she didn't know why God allowed suffering- there is a reason for everything and that He loves me very much and will never leave me.

Her words healed the pain of the day.

Romans 11:36 helped me too.

She told me about many of the people on the news she has seen who had been through deep struggles. She told me also about a young man on "Dancing with Stars" a burn victim, who is turning a tragedy to triumph.


Writing now, I feel better. I know that some days-like this one- will be very hard. But I know God loves me even if I cant see it.

He loves you too-very much.


Sincerely,

Black Rose

Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

I have just realized that you have left wonderful comments for me. I am still getting used to blogger. I have left comments for you in return :)

Today I met with a professor. He sat right next to me! That always makes me nervous- but oh well! I think the meeting went fine- he was just checking one of my papers.

I will probably not sleep tonight. I spent a lot of the day writing fiction instead of studying.

Tomorrow I will grocery shop. I will make sure to only get tmau friendly foods.

God Bless

Sincerely,

Back Rose

(Notice comments in "Tmau and Shame" and "When I'm not in control..")

When I try to hide truth from myself ( Denial)

Dear Reader,

I have been in my apartment the last two days struggling on a paper and watching tv. I miss my family. I miss my friends.
I feel like a hermit.
I feel like I am in hiding.
But..I don't have the mental, physical or emotional strength to mingle right now.

Outside- through my big window-Its gorgeous, sunny and the trees are orange.
Before it gets too late outside I will take a walk.

Ive been thinking about issues to write about and one came to mind- Denial.
Even before tmau- when I was real young, I realized that I could detach myself from the pain I was feeling and just ignore the reality of the hurt. I could live in a fantasy where things worked out the way I wanted.

In High School when my tmau occurrences began I was perfectly traumatized as I would sit in class extremely worried whether or not I was smelling and If anyone was talking about me.
The way I coped with the pain of it all was more or less denying how painful it was to struggle with tmau. I doodled on the sides of my notebooks during class to calm my nerves. I would often write stories and poetry in class to "escape" the classroom and my classmates. Sometimes I would have an awful day where someone was talking about me and I would deny even hearing them, then I would rush home and read stories about far away lands.

Now, at 24 I still have a issue with dealing with pain or unfavorable experiences. It feels much more comfortable to me to live in denial about pain I feel, experiences I have, things I say, things I do. Everything. In my mind it feels like my denial protects me- but it Does NOT.

It keeps me from healing.

Now when something painful happens I try to let myself experience the reality.

If I am sad. I'm going to let myself cry over whatever is the painful reality- not the painful but easier fantasy.

I may call my mom or treat myself to a cup of tea or watch a good movie . But, I am not going to pretend.

A little denial is natural. It helps the mind cope when pain is toooo intense. However, Ive made it a lifestyle in some ways.

There's no reason for me to have to deny who I am and what Ive been through.

I have my pains.

Ive made my mistakes.

There are some memories that I wish I could rewrite- but cant.

I have my fears.

There are dreams I am still waiting on.

There are truths I know- that I don't like- but cant change





And I don't have to hide any of that.


God Bless


Sincerely,

Black Rose

Hello :) Im back

Dear Readers,
I am sorry that I have not written in so long.
My computer had to be taken in for repair( took the whole week).

I am back now :)

This past week was somewhat lonely. In class I've been keeping to myself because in my business with homework and papers, I don't feel like dealing with other opinions of me.

I do have at least one person in each class which are kind to me and talk with me before and after class.

The B-2 vitamin has truly reduced the occurrences and strength of the odor- which is a blessing. I noticed people sitting closer to me and I feel more confident when I have to talk to someone in the class.

Ive just felt a bit isolated. In all honestly this week probably felt harder because I did not have the opportunity to write on this blog and draw strength from encouraging and being encouraged. I feel so much better just typing out my thoughts at this very moment while sipping on some soup....

*Hug* Sincerely,

Black Rose

Being Kind to Ourselves

Dear Readers,
Its easy to beat up on ourselves over tmau. We may feel like we should be angry at ourselves or our bodies...
I am learning to be kind to myself.
I am accepting that I am powerless over somethings.


Today
the weather was perfect. Cool, sunny, colorful.

I wrote a lot of poetry today.
Poems about everything

My hopes

Dreams

Fears

Pains

Joys



God Bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose