Gods Love

Recently I have been in a lot of emotional pain. In many ways the pain was unbearable and I lashed out at family and mostly at God.
I felt painfully hurt that God has not protected me from so much rejection and hurt. I could not understand how my painful experiences fit into my life. The experiences seemed to stick out like a sore thumb.
I am still in the winter season but there are moments and words that find there way into my life and let me know not only is God still around but He does see me and Loves me endlessly.

He loves you endlessly

Im hurting but Im not giving up

This morning I had a epic breakdown.

Last night I told my parents that I was leaving the program. They were devastated. They told me not to be hasty- that I could finish- that I could do it.

My mind is numb right now. I am over my head emotionally. I don't have the answers right now. I feel like a baby. A broken hearted baby.

After telling them- I just went to sleep. My mom told me to call her this morning. I did.
When I woke up at 8: 30 I called her.

I began slowly, but then progressively I for once was bleakly honest about my pains with tmau, the embarrassment, my loneliness, my intense emotional pain. I was painfully honest, I cried and told her that it feels horrible -often. She listened and tried to choose her words carefully. She told me that other people should not steal my joy- she said she still thinks I can do it.
I told her "I hope to God your right because I cant make decisions for myself right now. I am in too much pain! I hope that your right that I can do this because if your wrong its going to be really Bad!"
I could began to hear my moms perfectly calm, rational mind break down....I could feel her getting sensitive. I could feel her hurting for me. I could see her realizing how awful it is for me.
And hearing her voice change into her own pain made me feel at first angrier and sadder..."YES!" I thought to myself "This is horrific. Anyone who hears it should be sad. Its torture. No one should have to go through this!" I felt justified and heard. I allowed myself to acknowledge the full suffering I was experiencing- and I had to. Holding it in one more day would have made me unbearably sick.
Then...
I could hear her crying. I was crying too but she began to. That broke my heart. I had wanted her to understand and not brush it off or sugar coat my pain anymore but hearing my mom hurt- hurt me.
She said that "she needed to get off the phone" in the saddest voice imaginable- which is the way she deals with things when they are too much.
I called her back a few moments later because I needed to check on her. She was crying.
I still feel awful now.

I feel awful for my tmau. I feel awful that I am a ball of constant drama for my parents. I am sad that my mom who never cries is crying.

I have not had a break down like this is a while- but this one scared me the most. I felt the most caved in and hopeless and self hating as I've ever felt. Ive been very low before ( heartbreak) but this was a different sort- it was so internalized. I was/ am past crying, hiding, escaping- my emotional pain is just like water that Ive been swimming in trying to stay afloat and my arms are tired.....
Still I have family holding me up....and I know God is somewhere around even though I feel like He has cast me off into the ends of the earth to roam alone. I know at some point I will feel His presence( I have been asking everyone I can- pastors, friends, parents, anyone for prayers). God is somewhere here because if he wasn't I would have lost my mind by now.

"I want to come to your class. I can sit in your classes and I DARE anyone to try and bother you!"
My mom said with all seriousness in her voice.
I know she would, and I love that she would. "Mom, you can't- I'm 24" I reminded her.

I realize so much of my adult life had been motivated my a need to escape and hide from the pain of tmau. Today was ugly, it was extremely ugly but at least it was honest. I didn't say "I'm okay" or "Everything is alright" I said the ugly truth and it hurt her, it hurts everyone who loves me and I wish that wasn't true but I cant hide my pain any longer- I need help with my pain.

Tonight I will be working on an assignment that 2 days ago I though would no longer exist for me...seeing as I was sure I would drop out the program. But I am still in it...still pushing along.

Things I will be doing to keep moving onward:
1. I will start exercising- nothing extreme...just walking around the track ( read it was good for tmau and I need it for my high stress levels)
2. At my moms recommendation I brought Valarian root from cvs for my high levels of anxiety
3. Will NEVER sit near anyone in class- that stresses me out too much
4. I will at some point in the near future look into a counselor to vent some more of this hurt
5. I will be nice to myself even if others are not nice to me
6. I will hold onto God
7. I will continue to do things that bring me joy and encouragement ( watching good movies, writing, going to bookstores, watching videos and reading books about people who have overcome hardship, getting tasty foods from grocery store, watching sunsets, seeing plays...)

I'm hurting but I'm not giving up. Do not give up either. One day this difficult season of our lives will pass and we will all have our own beautiful summer season which will be worth every tear.

Sincerely,
Black Rose

The Elephant in the Room

Today I realized I could not push myself in school anymore
My friends have slowly trickled away...so has my confidence
I love English
I love the program
but every day in class I am on pins and needles, I am scared stiff, I am utterly devastated.
I sit away from everyone and feel like a undesirable monster
It is the most awful feeling in the world and I can not and will not put myself through it in this fragile stage in my life

I will be withdrawing from my program until I feel more confident and my tmau is more manageable. Now is not the time

And to top my painful day off, while sitting on the bus I guess I offended this child in a young mans body who declared that their was an "elephant in the room" and moved away from me.
It hurt, yes- but it also solidified my decision to withdrawal from classes for now.
Anyway...I know people like that only project their own insecurities onto others. He could have been nice about it and just moved away- but NO-he had to broadcast my weakness. That sadism blatantly reflects his lack of development.
Yes, sometimes I may smell badly- but I cant help it. I am still human, and I still have a beautiful heart and will still live a beautiful life.

Sincerely Yours
-Black Rose