My fear of Emotional Intimacy

I pride myself on being a strong person ( to the outside world)
As much as I have been through...I have to pride myself at least on that...

But one thing makes me nervous and makes me want to run....

Emotional Intimacy

Someone seeing how I really feel
How vulnerable I am
How sensitive I am
How unsure I am about everything sometimes...

That makes me cold sweat

Because sometimes I don't even listen to myself

But one day at a time I am trying

To listen to myself

give myself quiet when I need quiet

stay away when I need to stay away

get close when I need to get close

sometimes let the boundaries blur when I am safe

or know I am loved ( family or friends)

and hope beyond all obstacles

Valuing myself even in brokenness


Sincerely,

Black Rose

"Lord, the one you love is sick"

Some days I feel like punching a wall
But I have small hands and wrists....so that may not work too well
Some days I feel worthless to my core.

Why?

Why give me what overwhelms me?

Why give me what isolates me and hurts my heart?

Why give me what makes my mind, body and heart freeze in fear?

Why let me feel my dreams will never come true?

Why this LOAD of shame?

Why the agony? AM I IN THE MATRIX or is this pain real!? ( It is real)

Why don't you come for me when I am in the crowd and I'm scared voiceless?

When someone jokes about me and makes me feel like an "it"? When I fail at protecting myself or caring about myself? When I am rejected over and over again? When I reject myself?

My mom told me a verse the other day on the phone that softened my heart a little. If you would like to read- it is John 11 ( the story of Lazarus) http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+11%3A1-44&version=NIV

Basically the verse told me that even though my prayers are not answered when I feel they need to be, though I suffer, though everything seems too late, though parts of my life die away....

There is a reason ( a purpose) and the one who loves me forever cries over it with me-- and one day my life, heart, dreams and body, will be restored.

We are loved.

-Black Rose

Learning to Have my Own Back

For most of my life, as I am just now realizing, I have been in war with myself.
I rarely gave myself a break and a chance to breath.

Since I was very young I have struggled with feeling like I was searching for "something" to make the insecurities, fear and pain go away. I didn't even know that is what I was doing, I didn't even know I was hurting.

Getting tmau in puberty never helps anything.
It didn't help how I felt about myself at all. I felt like I was blocked off from the rest of the world, trapped in myself. I didn't want to tell my friends, I couldn't explain to my parents without sounding like I was loosing my mind, I couldn't talk to God without feeling like He'd abandoned me, I could not wish for a boyfriend because real love felt undeserved by someone like me( because I felt so socially rejected).

At the time( happened in High School)I was suffering from all the symptoms of full blown Post traumatic stress disorder. I had dissociation from my body in my class periods, I froze at times unable to get out of classroom chair, I used fantasy, I became fascinated with sleeping and dreams- I could not escape far enough.

I also tormented myself, I was so angry at myself for being different-- I hated myself for it.

College. All I wanted to was escape from my painful high school memories, from the insecurities Id felt even before tmau... I did escape. I was in a fake relationship which meet my need for assurance and feeling desired, while never getting close enough to worry about being "really" abandoned by something real. I pushed my pain back so far I no longer even remembered it. I escaped.
But escaping is fantasy and isn't even living.

It is only now. At age 24 that I am beginning to really address the pain, and the realities of my life. I am not running. And it hurts-- it does-- but its real. Ive begin to try and express myself clearer to those around me. I've begin to try and protect my emotions (sometimes I epic fail at this still). I am trying to be aware that I still suffer from PTSD from my tmau experiences in High School- so there are certain situations that still induce self hatred, freezing and dissociation.

Ive been honest about my whole "romantic ideals". I realized that in the past I did not want a real relationship because I was scared of being known. I just wanted a feeling of safety because I could not imagine the last time I felt truly safe.

But now.... and it is beautiful.
I am learning to be my own safety Yes there is God but I have to be present too I have to be present for myself

All this time I was searching for myself.....

Be Yourself

I'm learning to try to be myself.
To be kind to myself.
To have some mercy on myself.
To not torture myself with criticism.
I am learning to try and see myself through my own eyes-- not the eyes of others....
and when I don't know how I try and see myself the way I think God sees me

With love colored glasses

He sees you with those love glasses too :)

God bless you Readers

Sincerely,

Black Rose

I deserve to Exist! ( Loving Yourself)

Ways to Love Yourself
-Be kind to yourself by listening to your emotions/needs/desires
-Know you deserve to Exist and Exist well ( forget anyone that says otherwise!)
-Keep your dreams
-Dance in your room to your favorite song turned up!
-Play music that uplifts you
-If you are a people- pleaser or struggled with low self esteem even before tmau buy Codependency No More by Melody Beattie
-Watch a movie that makes your heart soar
-Realize that you are beautiful and lovable
-Reject self destructive thoughts
-view a sunset

Happy Valentine's Day( in a few minutes)

With love,

Black Rose

The good moments

A reader sent me a message and mentioned the significance of holding onto good moments/days (thank you!)

Here are some good moments of today

-Had a conversation with a stranger in the library
-Ate a tasty meal at the dining hall
-spoke with my mom on the phone and she said she was "proud of me"
-The road was empty on the drive home from campus
-Drinking delicious tea with honey while listening to soft rock
-In comfortable pj's in a comfy bed


Sleep well Readers

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Dissociation during tmau occurrences

I am trying to listen to my body more ( not always easy to do in school). In times of stress I struggle with dissociation from my body. My fight or flight mechanism seems to not work much anymore- Instead I just freeze. This "freezing" was how I initially coped with the trauma of tmau. In class, when the smells first started occurring, I would just freeze. I would sit very still, my mind would go numb out of fear that someone would detect my smell.

I would also write stories during my class to transport out of the nightmare. I also doodled on my notebooks non-stop.
Those were ways I tried to get through.

Now, years later- when I have a tmau occurrence I respond the same way. I feel unable to move, I am paralyzed by fear and completely act as if it is not happening to me even though I feel tortured. When I told my mom how I just sit through the pain she was baffled. She didn't understand why I didn't get up and leave the classroom or why I cant easily speak to people about my condition. It is because psychologically the trauma of it all has left its mark.

But I am getting more in tune with my body- very slowly. After a stressful day I take a nice bath and afterward drink some caffeine free tea. I pray. I write. Often in class I still find myself feeling paralyzed by fear but- in due time this tmau struggle will be a distant memory and God will heal me of the trauma it has caused my mind.

Sincerely

Black Rose

Life is Amazing

It is weird how life can be amazing despite deep pain.
I am no doubt in a season of DEEP pain. Wilderness type pain.
Falling apart pain. "I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE pain."
"Oh my goodness this is officially the most embarrassing pain ever" pain.

And somehow life is still amazing. There are still stunning sunsets. And I have a soft pillow/bed to cry on. Movies that make me laugh. Songs that make me feel like I'm floating on a cloud.

I don't know how that works, but it does.


Love

Black Rose

My struggle with Escapism

I realize that I struggle with Escapism. I have used many different fantasy outlets to try and escape the pain I have dealt with from rejection. In High School when it began- I became fascinated with dreams and sleep. I felt the most peace and escape while sleeping and through my dreams I was able to experience something other than the daily stress and pain of living with tmau.

I would also frequently wonder what it was like to be someone else. In High School I also began to delve into fiction writing which is perhaps the healthiest and yet most powerful form of escape for me.

College was different. I had less stress. My tmau was barely noticeable-- but I was still filled with shame and pain over what I had been through in High School. I remember being at a point where I was desiring a boyfriend but as I wrote on a small yellow paper in between class "I did not want to be known." I did not want anyone to know about my tmau and all my shame so I escaped that shame as best I could. My escapism then came in the form of a "relationship" that I knew was fake but convinced myself was true and would heal all my wounds. That ended in me thinking I'd lost something real.

Now in graduate school my tmau issues have felt like High School all over again. I know I am struggling with PTSD like symptoms: helplessness, dissociation when under stress, low self esteem etc. In this period of my life many of my forms of escapism have melted away. I cant delude myself for long periods of time into believing I "had love" in college. I don't seek to remember and analyze every nighttime dream-- as if dreams are more interesting and valuable than real life. Some days I look at other girls and wish I was like them, carefree-- but usually I tend to my own wounds and treat myself to something that makes me smile ( a new book, phone call, walk on a warm day, movie, shirt, relaxing bath).

I still write though, and I always will.

With love

Black Rose