"Lord, the one you love is sick"

Some days I feel like punching a wall
But I have small hands and wrists....so that may not work too well
Some days I feel worthless to my core.

Why?

Why give me what overwhelms me?

Why give me what isolates me and hurts my heart?

Why give me what makes my mind, body and heart freeze in fear?

Why let me feel my dreams will never come true?

Why this LOAD of shame?

Why the agony? AM I IN THE MATRIX or is this pain real!? ( It is real)

Why don't you come for me when I am in the crowd and I'm scared voiceless?

When someone jokes about me and makes me feel like an "it"? When I fail at protecting myself or caring about myself? When I am rejected over and over again? When I reject myself?

My mom told me a verse the other day on the phone that softened my heart a little. If you would like to read- it is John 11 ( the story of Lazarus) http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+11%3A1-44&version=NIV

Basically the verse told me that even though my prayers are not answered when I feel they need to be, though I suffer, though everything seems too late, though parts of my life die away....

There is a reason ( a purpose) and the one who loves me forever cries over it with me-- and one day my life, heart, dreams and body, will be restored.

We are loved.

-Black Rose