Fear of what is going to happen tomorrow

tomorrow

tomorrow 

tomorrow

...it is easy for people who have nothing to fear to not fear tomorrow. I have much to fear because daily I struggle with tmau

rejection Hurts

loss HURTS
 

being ignored...HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

only people who have experienced chronic social rejection as I have will understand

Recently....I have made a new friend

a guy

who I like and he seems to like me

He has struggled a lot in his life 

and I think he could sense that I have too

which makes me feel vulnerable 

but I guard myself like a warrior-- it would have to be a intensely- in -love -with- me-take-on-all-my past-future-and pain- man to get through the barriers I have constructed around myself

....I don't smell all the time, and I find I rarely do in moments of peace

I feel peace with the guy friend

for now anyway

I have no expectations

of course I have dreams

but I have been hurt too much to expect anything in relationships besides my family and very close friends

I feel like at any moment- BAM! I can experience painful rejection....

ugh

 

still my daily prayer to God recently has been somewhat emo....but its the truth

"God" I say

"I have done all I can do with what I have control over-- the rest is up to you. If you want I will suffer or I will have peace. I want your help, I ask that you rescue me-- I don't want to suffer."

That's all I can say.

The times I have prayed it God has come through. Though, He never seems to eliminate all pain from my life. Nor is He afraid to devastate me.But He always does eventually comfort me in my devastation....even though I am flailing around on the ground in tears and anger at Him

My moments of devastation must have purpose

But much of this fear is that I know God has said He would rescue me-- but not yet. I have been told three times that God is waiting to heal me...

but the good thing is that He said He would heal me ( not just healing from tmau, soul healing, heart healing, emotions...etc)

the Bad thing....right now severe suffering seems like a constant threat

I am warn out from waiting

but...I think it is coming soon :)

Hugs

Shame

I think the single most emotionally//psychologically damaging effects of tmau is that it causes immense shame.

Shame is that feel in of "I am am Bad and worthless in my core", "I am a defective human being", "I have no value."

Because of the fact that I am a Highly Sensitive Person, a approval addict and have had questionable self esteem since I was young-- I have always had a unconscious struggle with shame

But tmau has brought that struggle out and in the forefront

The more I read about shame the more I see how shame driven I am and those around me are.

Shame is an emotion that is more or less unbearable to the human mind. You ignore it, distract yourself from it, project it onto someone else or self punish (emotionally/ physically) to escape the shame...all of which are  harmful ways of coping.

So how does one cope with Shame? What about with the shame from tmau?

I don't have the answers yet....but I do have ways I have tried to cope 

1. Read about people who have struggled badly in life and still live and thrive in the ways they can. One of my favorite inspirations is Stephanie Neilson- wife, mother, author- who suffered life altering burns from an accident

She has encouraged my days

2. Write to God. Some days He is the ONLY one I can communicate with. Some days I am very alone, emotional/ physically-- but He is there. 

3.Ask yourself-- "Is this logical shame?" Of course I should feel ashamed or a feeling of badness if I harm a innocent person. That is logical. It can cause change and restoration. It is however VERY ILLOGICAL for me to feel bad about a condition I didn't ask for and can not control. 

Moments of rejection are painful and its hard to block out hurt in those moments but later in your quiet time calm yourself with the understanding that you don't need to feel guilt or shame-- you have done nothing wrong.

4. Find a counselor you can trust( someone compassionate and safe) to tell about your tmau struggles to

I am still struggling daily with shame. In some moments it is disabling and I have to just watch a movie to escape the pain of it. But...

every day there is new hope

and hope is stronger than shame

Turbulent Days, Still Evenings

I have had turbulent days

and still evenings

Days were I wonder what the future will hold, will I find a place of acceptance and romantic love? Will I have a family? Will I? Will I? Will I?

Will I be able to show my true self, the self that laughed as a child and stared at sunsets....cause I am still that girl....

Will peace come soon?

I feel that it will. :)

Bitter Sweet Days

My days have been bitter sweet.

Some days I feel God is carrying me through, some days He lets me feel the pain of rejection, stress, hurt-- some days He lets me suffer something wild

One of my smells is at times a burnt smell almost like rubber or cigarette smoke.

unfortunately one guy at my job commented when he stood near me that something smelled like it was burning-- twice! I think he and maybe a few other people think I smoke cigarettes ( one guy implied he thought I did)....yet I have never smoked anything a day in my life....

Grr....Tmau is the weirdest

some of my experiences are so bizarre its almost funny...if it didn't hurt so bad :(

Regardless, so far everyone at work is nice to me....

I even have a guy who gave me his number and we have talked on the phone and texted.

It has been nice to talk to a guy and have someone interested in me

I don't necessarily except anything to come of it but I like his personality so far. He seems kind, and hes had hurt in his life-- and ive been known to be very attracted to people with wounds.

He doesn't seem manipulative or mean though, which usually is attached to my wounded attractions.

Anyway...his attention has given me some "Sweet" to all my "Bitter" moments.

And...as for God.....

 God has been doing weird things toward me.

I can tell he loves me some days so clear-- I will find a book in a store that addresses the exact pains of my heart

It will rain very very hard and I will feel peace right when I was about to have a emotional breakdown. ( Im obsessed with rain)

He  will carry me through a semester that I expected to fail. Ex. I was unable to finish my final paper and exam- stress/health reasons. I should have failed....my teacher initially was going to fail me--but then miraculously gave me two more weeks.....

I have now been told three times by three separate people over a span of several months about the story of Lazarus as applied to my current state of suffering....how Jesus waited and Lazarus died and then Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead...

How Jesus mourned because he loved Lazarus, but he had to wait...

Some days I'm so angry and hurt about God not protecting me from all the trauma I have experienced....and whether I know why or not....God is definitely waiting....he knows that I am "dying" emotionally, or my dreams are dying, and He is waiting...

I'm curious to know what it will feel like when he raises my dreams from the dead...

I cant wait

My heart is still hurting but I like this message

My heart is still hurting and I'm feeling low on faith and hope but I like this message

It helped calm my anger a little

http://pastormyron.blogspot.com/

Today I hurt and am ANGRY at God

Today I hurt

I felt so angry thinking about how other people can move freely and not worry about tmau

I felt so angry and jealous looking at young mothers with children- married and smiling. It made me think about my dreams to marry and have kids and the pain of rejection I've endured in my adult life has made that feel so impossible.

I felt so angry at God for not protecting me. Frankly in this moment He seems deeply cruel and corrupt to me. I'm sure my parents would gasp at that statement but I don't care-- my parents have not lived through what I have lived through.

I feel like its SOOO much easier for people to follow God that have not endured a dehumanizing medical conditions such as tmau. I get so annoyed when people act like its so easy for them with their relationship with God.

My relationship with God is at this point a thin fiber. I tell God i don't want to talk to him again but then I do because in reality I am all alone inside myself. No one understands exactly the pain in myself-- sadly-- except God.

I rage at God because Im hurting SOOO BAD and hes just watching!?--- and then I rush to him to tell him how unbelievably sad, alone, confused and desperate I feel. Then someone tells me something and I feel inspired-- I am Lazarus, I am Job, I am the bleeding woman....then I feel inspired-- and think to myself God does love me and the suffering is for a reason.

I gain a little trust.

I feel a little rest.

Then something happens. A slight rejection, a perceived or even imaginary rejection and I feel all alone again-- unsafe, unprotected, scared, hurt, bleeding in my soul, screaming and making no sound, I feel like a invisible child

and then I rage at God again-- because once again-- He has let me suffer in the ways that most wounds my mind.

 Im enraged at God for letting me hurt and suffer not only from tmau, but PTSD from tmau.

Its a sad place to be. But im going to be frank-- that is my relationship with God right now. I hope it will not always be like this, but that is where I am. 

Life seems so dark right now frankly. My PTSD symptoms are intense and I just realized the past two semesters in school the stress had caused me to dissociate. For two semesters I was more or less detached from my true self/ emotions/feelings/ thoughts. Wonderful( sarcastic voice)

My bodies starting to thaw out-- but im like dang....is this really going to be how life goes for me...

I need something stable, a rest, a cushion and I need that now....I need to know i am safe because I could not feel more unsafe in this world

My PTSD symptoms also cause me to feel VERY HELPLESS A LOT. It is a awful feeling and I am very accustomed to it.

Right now I am sad. Period.

Send hugs for me through your thoughts. :) 

I send you all hugs with my thoughts....

hug

With Love,

Black Rose

My first day of work and a bittersweet blog that touched my heart

So!

First day of work went....wonderfully.

I am tense whenever a day goes as well as that-- because so much of my life has felt like a blur of frantic stress and haze. But my first day was truly a good day.

I am a greeter at a apparel store-- a HUGE store.

Plus number 1-- open airy spaces make me happy and more confident.

Plus number 2-- I stand RIGHT in front of the door! YAYA-- more fresh air!

Plus 3-- lots of guys, and I'm not saying that in a shady way-- I am just more comfortable around guys because they don't seem to have the intense smell perception that us women have( I think it has to do with women becoming mothers and needing strong smell senses to protect children from harm-- that's what my mom said happens during pregnancy anyway).

So fingers crossed...I'm just taking it day by day. WE SHALL SEE....

And the other  thing I wanted to talk about is this blog I found that gave me some hope--strangely

This girl Christina was paralyzed in a diving accident.

It changed her life from that of a vibrant young teacher in love

to a paralyzed woman trapped in her own body and longing for her old life, and lover ( though he remained a constant figure of compassion in her life) and wishing for time to turn back

She became a artist, a beautiful artist I might add-- learning to paint with her teeth. She painted how she felt, what she was experiencing and how she was hurting.

The girl actually after 6 years of paralysis and constant physical and emotional torture took her own life by refusing care and food

When I read her story my own pain seemed like nothing in comparison to the anguish she endured and what she lost. I was sad to read that she took her life. She was so beautiful inside and out and seemed to have much honesty, sensitivity and warmth inside her.

But, even in the sadness of her trials and its ending she inspired me greatly. She inspired me to live as well as I can because I can walk, I can go to the bathroom by myself, shower by myself, comb my hair, sit up straight, use my hands

I can be independent

She lost that ability and It took her hope from her.

I will not forget her story or the words I read on her blog or her pictures. She has inspired me to use my pain to create beauty and to get up every day realizing the blessings I do have.

Christina's blog

 http://lifeparalyzed.blogspot.com/

With love,

Black Rose

Dealing with Rejection

My heart was hurting today.

I'm not that good at dealing with my own pain-- so I listened to music, did some reading for school...at least a little productive

Within the past few days, I realize I have been reminded of high school, which is strange, because I don't think of it much anymore

It reminded me of the rejection in High School which was the worst

and it also reminded me of my ex who went to High School with me-- another unwanted memory

and it makes me feel Shame

and the emotion of Shame is completely the worst one anyone can feel. It doesn't say- bad emotion-- it says BAD YOU. Ugh. That's how I feel right now.   BAD Me.

I am STARVING for the love that pushes past my smell, past my eyes, past my flesh, past my injured mind, past my warped heart and into my soul-- with powerful force. I am aching for my soul to be seen and touched.

I wish God would wrap me in his arms and make me feel loved in every fiber of my being, in every part, a love that fills my brain with unfathomable depths of love, overpowering all of me, till I crumple and melt like ice-- taking me in His love 

making all of the rejection I have experienced

into

Nothing.

One day.

Fears and the Future

I like to think of myself as someone who is generally fearless ( ha...ha)

I am realizing that is not so.

I have many fears--almost all pertaining to the future.

 "What if" is my favorite game to play with myself. What if this happens. What if that happens.

Its useless though.

I have no control over the future. I can only do my best here and now and hold onto my dreams.

There are limits to my abilities, my vision, my being. I cant see into the future, I cant push myself incessantly, I cant fly away when things hurt.

I can; however-- be brave

and gentle

and that is what I am trying to be.

Lets work on self love together.

With love,

Black Rose

Shame/ Shame Soothing

Since I was young Ive had a extra harsh superego.If I did something bad--I felt bad to my core. 

Unfortunately I realize I'm still like that

For that reason Stress impacts me very badly- I have a hard time distancing myself from an painful event/ mistake/ failed attempt/ whatever else...and the result is me walking around feeling BAD

Worthless, Stupid, Rejected

...So you can imagine having tmau makes that shame a lot worse-- and even dangerous

Ive realized that Ive had enhanced self-defeating/ masochistic/ even pain addicted responses to hurt 

Example:

-Meditating on "What if I don't do well on this paper" till I feel like my hair will fall out

-I got a bad look ( or what I perceive as a bad look) and the result is I feel AWFUL-- like I don't belong on the earth

-Thinking on painful experiences like a full time job

-Thinking my worth is only how others see me

- I even think I may be addicted to emotional pain( something that may have come about in childhood)External emotional pain always felt better than my own inner hurt. 

I was intensely sensitive child.

I'm now a intensely sensitive woman still trying to accept myself and not torture myself for things I can not control.

I'm trying to find better ways to shame soothe: Healthy ways

...No easy task

I need to make peace with that sensitive little girl still inside me...

Yours truly,

Black Rose

I got a Job

I got a job!

Its was a rush going through the process, being interviewed- my mind overwhelmed with thoughts and wondering....

I got a job though...I will be working at athletic/ apparel store as a cashier and a greeter-- oh the irony-- the person most timid in the world as a greeter( its actually kind of funny)

-- the truth is im not really timid, never really was, that just is a byproduct of tmau

How will this go?

Im actually excited. I liked the bigness of the story, the airiness...I actually felt rather safe. The people were very chill- mostly guys

We shall see. 

I will keep with the prayers but I am jumping in cold water

...but then again....with my life- I am always jumping in cold water

Stay tuned...I will write all about my first day

..I am thankful. Part of me feels like this was "for me" from God.

We shall see( nervous face)-- I guess I am rather timid

:)

Yours truly,

Black Rose

TMAU is part of my life

Today I had a uproar of anger

Why have I suffered for so long with this thing called tmau

I could have been different- I tell myself

Not so timid

Not so single

Not so frazzled

Not so afraid

But that is not so...I have tmau. Its part of my life, and part of me. Period. Maybe one day that will not be so-- and I will always hope for that day.

But for today- I will keep moving forward.

Here is a youtube video- testimony of a tmau sufferer/ tmau fighter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SEN0nDtmmA

And here is a song to mellow you out after a long day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKZBrc4VCRQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Dreams I refuse to Let Die

To write a fiction book
To travel somewhere that it rains majority of the time
To fall in love and have someone fall in love with me ( the sonnet 116 love)
To be a teacher of an English class ( LITERATURE 4 LIFE!)
To get married and have babies :)
To spend another day on the beach looking at the sunset like I did all those years ago...

Hold onto your dreams


Love,
Black Rose


Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

–William Shakespeare

Learning to love myself is a slow process

I have been reading about self hatred.
I have a few symptoms
Perfectionism
Harsh self-talk
Attraction to negative relationships

One great definition of self hatred I found was "anger at yourself". Bingo. That's me.
I get angry at myself when I feel I haven't met the standards of others Or my own harsh standards for myself


But I also have a healthy part of me.
The healthy part of myself wants me to be
Compassionate to myself
To respond kindly to my needs and desires
To believe I deserve love

I am a hopeless romantic but I am starting to understand that compassion and love for yourself is a greater love than the love of a partner-- simply because no one can give us the kind of love we can give ourselves.

Black Rose

I am Starting to Look for A Job

Today I looked at my bank account...it is slowly dwindling. I am on my own, have my apartment which I love and living off loans for school. But the loan is not covering me right now sooooo

I am starting to look for a job

Looking for a job is a intense process in general but especially for someone with tmau.
I am nervous but it has to be done. I will try to find a job where I feel comfortable and am not in close contact with people for extended periods of time.

Part of me is wondering why everything has to feel so hard and scary at this point in my life...

Some days are unbearably painful right now but I am still alive, I can walk, I can breath and I am going to find a job that I enjoy and feel comfortable in ( God willing)

I will keep you readers updated on the job hunt

Sincerely,
Black Rose

Self hate

I have been reading a lot about self hate.

Its one dangerous force.

I realize I struggle with self hate at times, and not only because tmau-- I realize I have struggled with it since I was young- because of insecurities and fear of not being enough.

Self hate may be causing more damage to me than I am aware.
I hide, I become jealous, I give up, I don't ask for help because I don't think I deserve help when I am in pain, I abandon my needs and hopes, I imagine a negative future for myself.

Some days I even wish I could hurt myself. There are days when I do hurt myself by emotionally torturing myself over things I can not control.

Some moments in time I lose all sense of value in myself. I rage at mysef, I side with those who reject me, I dissolve into fear of the future.... But not tonight

Tonight I will act as if the past is dead and matters no more and any future pain is able to be overcome no matter how ugly and impossible I will always have myself and even though I have my anger toward God- He said He will never leave.

I will hold onto that, even if I do not understand what that means right now
If any of you are adventurous or like rock.
This song from flyleaf( and all her songs) struck me.

Notice the lyrics. A burn victim? A victim of tmau?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YDlhinltW8

Even if we cant feel it ( I honestly cant right now), we are His loves.

He died for us, His loves.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Counseling, Crush and Pain

Dear Readers,
Once again I apologize for not being here and writing daily. I need to. The past month or so has been perfectly overwhelming. My schoolwork was piling up because I was too down to start papers on a timely manner. I started to hide from life, from my feelings, from everything. I cant do that forever though. Several weeks ago I began counseling. I'm very happy I made that step. I have issues with asking for help. My counselor is a young intern, almost finished her masters degree. She is not much older than me but has a old soul and is very compassionate. 20 dollars a session fits my bill.

Today I had my fourth session. We are working on my anger at God for my tmau, and insecurities that I had when I was younger which make it even harder for me to cope with stresses and rejections.

We talked about my issues with escapism ( going into a dream land to make it all better) I feel safe with her and it gives me something to look forward to weekly.

And....I have a crush :(
I almost died ( really) because he sat next to me in class. I don't know why he had to do that. I was sooo stressed I almost fainted. I didn't know whether I smelled around him or not. I couldn't tell but was utterly stressed! I felt my left leg shaking. Oh man. Darn this PTSD. I couldn't even move.

Ugh......life

Lets take it day by day.

With love,

Black Rose

My fear of Emotional Intimacy

I pride myself on being a strong person ( to the outside world)
As much as I have been through...I have to pride myself at least on that...

But one thing makes me nervous and makes me want to run....

Emotional Intimacy

Someone seeing how I really feel
How vulnerable I am
How sensitive I am
How unsure I am about everything sometimes...

That makes me cold sweat

Because sometimes I don't even listen to myself

But one day at a time I am trying

To listen to myself

give myself quiet when I need quiet

stay away when I need to stay away

get close when I need to get close

sometimes let the boundaries blur when I am safe

or know I am loved ( family or friends)

and hope beyond all obstacles

Valuing myself even in brokenness


Sincerely,

Black Rose

"Lord, the one you love is sick"

Some days I feel like punching a wall
But I have small hands and wrists....so that may not work too well
Some days I feel worthless to my core.

Why?

Why give me what overwhelms me?

Why give me what isolates me and hurts my heart?

Why give me what makes my mind, body and heart freeze in fear?

Why let me feel my dreams will never come true?

Why this LOAD of shame?

Why the agony? AM I IN THE MATRIX or is this pain real!? ( It is real)

Why don't you come for me when I am in the crowd and I'm scared voiceless?

When someone jokes about me and makes me feel like an "it"? When I fail at protecting myself or caring about myself? When I am rejected over and over again? When I reject myself?

My mom told me a verse the other day on the phone that softened my heart a little. If you would like to read- it is John 11 ( the story of Lazarus) http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+11%3A1-44&version=NIV

Basically the verse told me that even though my prayers are not answered when I feel they need to be, though I suffer, though everything seems too late, though parts of my life die away....

There is a reason ( a purpose) and the one who loves me forever cries over it with me-- and one day my life, heart, dreams and body, will be restored.

We are loved.

-Black Rose

Learning to Have my Own Back

For most of my life, as I am just now realizing, I have been in war with myself.
I rarely gave myself a break and a chance to breath.

Since I was very young I have struggled with feeling like I was searching for "something" to make the insecurities, fear and pain go away. I didn't even know that is what I was doing, I didn't even know I was hurting.

Getting tmau in puberty never helps anything.
It didn't help how I felt about myself at all. I felt like I was blocked off from the rest of the world, trapped in myself. I didn't want to tell my friends, I couldn't explain to my parents without sounding like I was loosing my mind, I couldn't talk to God without feeling like He'd abandoned me, I could not wish for a boyfriend because real love felt undeserved by someone like me( because I felt so socially rejected).

At the time( happened in High School)I was suffering from all the symptoms of full blown Post traumatic stress disorder. I had dissociation from my body in my class periods, I froze at times unable to get out of classroom chair, I used fantasy, I became fascinated with sleeping and dreams- I could not escape far enough.

I also tormented myself, I was so angry at myself for being different-- I hated myself for it.

College. All I wanted to was escape from my painful high school memories, from the insecurities Id felt even before tmau... I did escape. I was in a fake relationship which meet my need for assurance and feeling desired, while never getting close enough to worry about being "really" abandoned by something real. I pushed my pain back so far I no longer even remembered it. I escaped.
But escaping is fantasy and isn't even living.

It is only now. At age 24 that I am beginning to really address the pain, and the realities of my life. I am not running. And it hurts-- it does-- but its real. Ive begin to try and express myself clearer to those around me. I've begin to try and protect my emotions (sometimes I epic fail at this still). I am trying to be aware that I still suffer from PTSD from my tmau experiences in High School- so there are certain situations that still induce self hatred, freezing and dissociation.

Ive been honest about my whole "romantic ideals". I realized that in the past I did not want a real relationship because I was scared of being known. I just wanted a feeling of safety because I could not imagine the last time I felt truly safe.

But now.... and it is beautiful.
I am learning to be my own safety Yes there is God but I have to be present too I have to be present for myself

All this time I was searching for myself.....

Be Yourself

I'm learning to try to be myself.
To be kind to myself.
To have some mercy on myself.
To not torture myself with criticism.
I am learning to try and see myself through my own eyes-- not the eyes of others....
and when I don't know how I try and see myself the way I think God sees me

With love colored glasses

He sees you with those love glasses too :)

God bless you Readers

Sincerely,

Black Rose

I deserve to Exist! ( Loving Yourself)

Ways to Love Yourself
-Be kind to yourself by listening to your emotions/needs/desires
-Know you deserve to Exist and Exist well ( forget anyone that says otherwise!)
-Keep your dreams
-Dance in your room to your favorite song turned up!
-Play music that uplifts you
-If you are a people- pleaser or struggled with low self esteem even before tmau buy Codependency No More by Melody Beattie
-Watch a movie that makes your heart soar
-Realize that you are beautiful and lovable
-Reject self destructive thoughts
-view a sunset

Happy Valentine's Day( in a few minutes)

With love,

Black Rose

The good moments

A reader sent me a message and mentioned the significance of holding onto good moments/days (thank you!)

Here are some good moments of today

-Had a conversation with a stranger in the library
-Ate a tasty meal at the dining hall
-spoke with my mom on the phone and she said she was "proud of me"
-The road was empty on the drive home from campus
-Drinking delicious tea with honey while listening to soft rock
-In comfortable pj's in a comfy bed


Sleep well Readers

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Dissociation during tmau occurrences

I am trying to listen to my body more ( not always easy to do in school). In times of stress I struggle with dissociation from my body. My fight or flight mechanism seems to not work much anymore- Instead I just freeze. This "freezing" was how I initially coped with the trauma of tmau. In class, when the smells first started occurring, I would just freeze. I would sit very still, my mind would go numb out of fear that someone would detect my smell.

I would also write stories during my class to transport out of the nightmare. I also doodled on my notebooks non-stop.
Those were ways I tried to get through.

Now, years later- when I have a tmau occurrence I respond the same way. I feel unable to move, I am paralyzed by fear and completely act as if it is not happening to me even though I feel tortured. When I told my mom how I just sit through the pain she was baffled. She didn't understand why I didn't get up and leave the classroom or why I cant easily speak to people about my condition. It is because psychologically the trauma of it all has left its mark.

But I am getting more in tune with my body- very slowly. After a stressful day I take a nice bath and afterward drink some caffeine free tea. I pray. I write. Often in class I still find myself feeling paralyzed by fear but- in due time this tmau struggle will be a distant memory and God will heal me of the trauma it has caused my mind.

Sincerely

Black Rose

Life is Amazing

It is weird how life can be amazing despite deep pain.
I am no doubt in a season of DEEP pain. Wilderness type pain.
Falling apart pain. "I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE pain."
"Oh my goodness this is officially the most embarrassing pain ever" pain.

And somehow life is still amazing. There are still stunning sunsets. And I have a soft pillow/bed to cry on. Movies that make me laugh. Songs that make me feel like I'm floating on a cloud.

I don't know how that works, but it does.


Love

Black Rose

My struggle with Escapism

I realize that I struggle with Escapism. I have used many different fantasy outlets to try and escape the pain I have dealt with from rejection. In High School when it began- I became fascinated with dreams and sleep. I felt the most peace and escape while sleeping and through my dreams I was able to experience something other than the daily stress and pain of living with tmau.

I would also frequently wonder what it was like to be someone else. In High School I also began to delve into fiction writing which is perhaps the healthiest and yet most powerful form of escape for me.

College was different. I had less stress. My tmau was barely noticeable-- but I was still filled with shame and pain over what I had been through in High School. I remember being at a point where I was desiring a boyfriend but as I wrote on a small yellow paper in between class "I did not want to be known." I did not want anyone to know about my tmau and all my shame so I escaped that shame as best I could. My escapism then came in the form of a "relationship" that I knew was fake but convinced myself was true and would heal all my wounds. That ended in me thinking I'd lost something real.

Now in graduate school my tmau issues have felt like High School all over again. I know I am struggling with PTSD like symptoms: helplessness, dissociation when under stress, low self esteem etc. In this period of my life many of my forms of escapism have melted away. I cant delude myself for long periods of time into believing I "had love" in college. I don't seek to remember and analyze every nighttime dream-- as if dreams are more interesting and valuable than real life. Some days I look at other girls and wish I was like them, carefree-- but usually I tend to my own wounds and treat myself to something that makes me smile ( a new book, phone call, walk on a warm day, movie, shirt, relaxing bath).

I still write though, and I always will.

With love

Black Rose

Gods Love

Recently I have been in a lot of emotional pain. In many ways the pain was unbearable and I lashed out at family and mostly at God.
I felt painfully hurt that God has not protected me from so much rejection and hurt. I could not understand how my painful experiences fit into my life. The experiences seemed to stick out like a sore thumb.
I am still in the winter season but there are moments and words that find there way into my life and let me know not only is God still around but He does see me and Loves me endlessly.

He loves you endlessly

Im hurting but Im not giving up

This morning I had a epic breakdown.

Last night I told my parents that I was leaving the program. They were devastated. They told me not to be hasty- that I could finish- that I could do it.

My mind is numb right now. I am over my head emotionally. I don't have the answers right now. I feel like a baby. A broken hearted baby.

After telling them- I just went to sleep. My mom told me to call her this morning. I did.
When I woke up at 8: 30 I called her.

I began slowly, but then progressively I for once was bleakly honest about my pains with tmau, the embarrassment, my loneliness, my intense emotional pain. I was painfully honest, I cried and told her that it feels horrible -often. She listened and tried to choose her words carefully. She told me that other people should not steal my joy- she said she still thinks I can do it.
I told her "I hope to God your right because I cant make decisions for myself right now. I am in too much pain! I hope that your right that I can do this because if your wrong its going to be really Bad!"
I could began to hear my moms perfectly calm, rational mind break down....I could feel her getting sensitive. I could feel her hurting for me. I could see her realizing how awful it is for me.
And hearing her voice change into her own pain made me feel at first angrier and sadder..."YES!" I thought to myself "This is horrific. Anyone who hears it should be sad. Its torture. No one should have to go through this!" I felt justified and heard. I allowed myself to acknowledge the full suffering I was experiencing- and I had to. Holding it in one more day would have made me unbearably sick.
Then...
I could hear her crying. I was crying too but she began to. That broke my heart. I had wanted her to understand and not brush it off or sugar coat my pain anymore but hearing my mom hurt- hurt me.
She said that "she needed to get off the phone" in the saddest voice imaginable- which is the way she deals with things when they are too much.
I called her back a few moments later because I needed to check on her. She was crying.
I still feel awful now.

I feel awful for my tmau. I feel awful that I am a ball of constant drama for my parents. I am sad that my mom who never cries is crying.

I have not had a break down like this is a while- but this one scared me the most. I felt the most caved in and hopeless and self hating as I've ever felt. Ive been very low before ( heartbreak) but this was a different sort- it was so internalized. I was/ am past crying, hiding, escaping- my emotional pain is just like water that Ive been swimming in trying to stay afloat and my arms are tired.....
Still I have family holding me up....and I know God is somewhere around even though I feel like He has cast me off into the ends of the earth to roam alone. I know at some point I will feel His presence( I have been asking everyone I can- pastors, friends, parents, anyone for prayers). God is somewhere here because if he wasn't I would have lost my mind by now.

"I want to come to your class. I can sit in your classes and I DARE anyone to try and bother you!"
My mom said with all seriousness in her voice.
I know she would, and I love that she would. "Mom, you can't- I'm 24" I reminded her.

I realize so much of my adult life had been motivated my a need to escape and hide from the pain of tmau. Today was ugly, it was extremely ugly but at least it was honest. I didn't say "I'm okay" or "Everything is alright" I said the ugly truth and it hurt her, it hurts everyone who loves me and I wish that wasn't true but I cant hide my pain any longer- I need help with my pain.

Tonight I will be working on an assignment that 2 days ago I though would no longer exist for me...seeing as I was sure I would drop out the program. But I am still in it...still pushing along.

Things I will be doing to keep moving onward:
1. I will start exercising- nothing extreme...just walking around the track ( read it was good for tmau and I need it for my high stress levels)
2. At my moms recommendation I brought Valarian root from cvs for my high levels of anxiety
3. Will NEVER sit near anyone in class- that stresses me out too much
4. I will at some point in the near future look into a counselor to vent some more of this hurt
5. I will be nice to myself even if others are not nice to me
6. I will hold onto God
7. I will continue to do things that bring me joy and encouragement ( watching good movies, writing, going to bookstores, watching videos and reading books about people who have overcome hardship, getting tasty foods from grocery store, watching sunsets, seeing plays...)

I'm hurting but I'm not giving up. Do not give up either. One day this difficult season of our lives will pass and we will all have our own beautiful summer season which will be worth every tear.

Sincerely,
Black Rose

The Elephant in the Room

Today I realized I could not push myself in school anymore
My friends have slowly trickled away...so has my confidence
I love English
I love the program
but every day in class I am on pins and needles, I am scared stiff, I am utterly devastated.
I sit away from everyone and feel like a undesirable monster
It is the most awful feeling in the world and I can not and will not put myself through it in this fragile stage in my life

I will be withdrawing from my program until I feel more confident and my tmau is more manageable. Now is not the time

And to top my painful day off, while sitting on the bus I guess I offended this child in a young mans body who declared that their was an "elephant in the room" and moved away from me.
It hurt, yes- but it also solidified my decision to withdrawal from classes for now.
Anyway...I know people like that only project their own insecurities onto others. He could have been nice about it and just moved away- but NO-he had to broadcast my weakness. That sadism blatantly reflects his lack of development.
Yes, sometimes I may smell badly- but I cant help it. I am still human, and I still have a beautiful heart and will still live a beautiful life.

Sincerely Yours
-Black Rose