I am trying to listen to my body more ( not always easy to do in school). In times of stress I struggle with dissociation from my body. My fight or flight mechanism seems to not work much anymore- Instead I just freeze. This "freezing" was how I initially coped with the trauma of tmau. In class, when the smells first started occurring, I would just freeze. I would sit very still, my mind would go numb out of fear that someone would detect my smell.
I would also write stories during my class to transport out of the nightmare. I also doodled on my notebooks non-stop.
Those were ways I tried to get through.
Now, years later- when I have a tmau occurrence I respond the same way. I feel unable to move, I am paralyzed by fear and completely act as if it is not happening to me even though I feel tortured. When I told my mom how I just sit through the pain she was baffled. She didn't understand why I didn't get up and leave the classroom or why I cant easily speak to people about my condition. It is because psychologically the trauma of it all has left its mark.
But I am getting more in tune with my body- very slowly. After a stressful day I take a nice bath and afterward drink some caffeine free tea. I pray. I write. Often in class I still find myself feeling paralyzed by fear but- in due time this tmau struggle will be a distant memory and God will heal me of the trauma it has caused my mind.
Sincerely
Black Rose
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