Learning to Have my Own Back

For most of my life, as I am just now realizing, I have been in war with myself.
I rarely gave myself a break and a chance to breath.

Since I was very young I have struggled with feeling like I was searching for "something" to make the insecurities, fear and pain go away. I didn't even know that is what I was doing, I didn't even know I was hurting.

Getting tmau in puberty never helps anything.
It didn't help how I felt about myself at all. I felt like I was blocked off from the rest of the world, trapped in myself. I didn't want to tell my friends, I couldn't explain to my parents without sounding like I was loosing my mind, I couldn't talk to God without feeling like He'd abandoned me, I could not wish for a boyfriend because real love felt undeserved by someone like me( because I felt so socially rejected).

At the time( happened in High School)I was suffering from all the symptoms of full blown Post traumatic stress disorder. I had dissociation from my body in my class periods, I froze at times unable to get out of classroom chair, I used fantasy, I became fascinated with sleeping and dreams- I could not escape far enough.

I also tormented myself, I was so angry at myself for being different-- I hated myself for it.

College. All I wanted to was escape from my painful high school memories, from the insecurities Id felt even before tmau... I did escape. I was in a fake relationship which meet my need for assurance and feeling desired, while never getting close enough to worry about being "really" abandoned by something real. I pushed my pain back so far I no longer even remembered it. I escaped.
But escaping is fantasy and isn't even living.

It is only now. At age 24 that I am beginning to really address the pain, and the realities of my life. I am not running. And it hurts-- it does-- but its real. Ive begin to try and express myself clearer to those around me. I've begin to try and protect my emotions (sometimes I epic fail at this still). I am trying to be aware that I still suffer from PTSD from my tmau experiences in High School- so there are certain situations that still induce self hatred, freezing and dissociation.

Ive been honest about my whole "romantic ideals". I realized that in the past I did not want a real relationship because I was scared of being known. I just wanted a feeling of safety because I could not imagine the last time I felt truly safe.

But now.... and it is beautiful.
I am learning to be my own safety Yes there is God but I have to be present too I have to be present for myself

All this time I was searching for myself.....