I will not let tmau......

.....shame me
I will not let tmau shame me.
Today in my last class for the day( 3 hours long) I noticed an odor. It wasn't overwhelming but it was noticeable. I felt embarrassed and nervous because the girl next to me is very nice and I enjoy her friendship.
I sat with my body, motionless and still ( don't you hate that tense fear?!)wondering why the heck I was having to go through this.
Finally the odor subsided and I took a breath.
As a sign of her genuine kindness, at the end of class she just stared at me with warm eyes and smiled saying, "Have a wonderful weekend. Get a lot of good sleep!"
I left the class, walked out into the cool darkness of night just wondering was I going to guilt trip myself or was I going to move on from it. I got in my car and turned on music. Within minutes the unpleasant feelings were gone.
I admired the night sky,
and the ambiance of the coming of autumn.

I will not let tmau shame me.

Turn on some music( the kind that lifts the spirit)

Sincerely,

Black Rose

*hug*

Tmau and Dating

My tmau started my late sophomore year of High School. It was horribly stressful because everyday I would worry if someone was talking about me, or if I was offending someone or If I'd lose a friend. I did not know what was happening since I knew nothing of tmau. Simply said...It was traumatic. As much of a hopeless romantic as I am, I pushed that aside. I didn't want to get close to a boy who I liked from fear of offending him. I still had crushes...which I would just write about in my journal.
In college a guy I liked began to pursue me and for some reason, my tmau occurrences were much less in college-I began dating the guy. I always had the fear in the back of my mind that he would know my struggle. Not long into the relationship I realized that something wasn't right....it didn't feel genuine and I deeply doubted the truth of what I was experiencing. Finally i concluded, it wasn't true- there wasn't a emotional connection on his part and he wasn't "in love with me" as he professed. Still....I stayed.
Why?
I figured that a fake relationship was as close as id ever come to "love." I know- a sad philosophy. I know it had a lot to do with the shame of tmau experiences in high school, the rejection and feeling undesirable (even though my family loved me deeply). I didn't feel beautiful. I did not feel feminine and I had such a dejected persona that I could not imagine a guy actually loving me for me and wanting to commit to me.

Since that experience in my life many things have changed. I no longer walk around with sad embarrassed eyes. I may sometimes be sad over embarrassing tmau occurrences or days gone wrong but I know I am special. I know that I am strong and that I have unique gifts to bring to life.
I decided that I deserve to walk in truth, even if it is difficult. I will not hide behind fantasy or lies.
When a season of love comes in my life I will not be afraid to be known and accept whatever truth flows from that.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Tmau and Shame

Dear readers,
Today I was just thinking about the awful shame that comes with tmau. We feel "bad" because we have this body struggle. Truth be told tmau is not "bad" and does not make us "bad."We are just human being with a physical struggle. Simple as that.
Those around us, who may have rejected us or talked about us make us feel deep shame. It makes us wish we smelled like flowers,or were someone else, or were not around anyone during a tmau occurrence. We are frantic to maintain "control" of our bodies so that we can feel accepted and loved. The experience is painful and no one who has not experienced tmau can quite understand how impacting it is.
We seek to hide from all the pain we experience.

Dear Reader, I want to tell you what will never change- despite how others have hurt your heart, or despite the despair you may feel

1. You are precious and irreplaceable. There is only one of you- and you are more precious than any treasure in the world.

2. You are beautiful. Your smile, your face,your body, your heart- your fears..You are beautiful

3. You are worthy of love. There are many people on this earth. There are some very compassionate people- not all people will respond to you as you may think.


Be kind to yourself and do not beat yourself up for this struggle you are enduring. Some things that are helpful are- writing, contacting a natural doctor who is clearly compassionate( listens to you and shows gentle/honest concern) and knowledgeable to assist you with vitamins/teas or herbs/ that can assist your bodies scent. Drink water ( I keep a water body on me to calm me if I'm stressed or anxious). Find someone you can trust to talk about it with- a loving family member, friend or counselor.

God bless.

Hug.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Joy in the storm

Today the weather was beautiful. I put on some blue jeans, a rose colored tee, and flip flops. When I got inside the classrooms on campus, I was freezing. Air conditioner was on full blast( and I adore the cold) but it was too cold.

Long day.
Finished around 9pm.

I'm glad to be home-now in a long sleeve shirt and socks!

So today was.....tense. Ugh. I have to be honest. I'm in a rough season and I'm baffled whether or not I'm handling it right. Should I have pushed back school till my health was better? ( annoying liver and sluggish thyroid) Should I have taken one class,instead of three? Should I have not started graduate school at all knowing my health was a issue. I DON'T KNOW! I just don't. I don't! All I can say is I tried my best to handle it the way that seemed right to me at the time. I feel my graduate school experience has been drastically diminished due to my health. However, I am enjoying the subjects, novels, professors- just my personal and social life struggles- makes me sad.

However... I know that it will get better. Like I said my health issues has made it so toxins do not leave my body properly, causing a host of issues and put my tmau into overdrive. So you can imagine why socially there is a struggle.... Ive been able to make several nice friends though, and I am grateful for that. I cant change what has happened.

I cant be "ashamed" about not handling things "perfect"-
I'm not a robot

And I promise I will find the joy in every day. I found it today, driving home and enjoying the music, swaying a little.... I have joy now, realizing that everything happens for a reason- and eating some oatmeal and raisins and listening to music...the kind that makes me want to dance.....

God bless.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

When Im not in control...I sometimes vent

I hate that I can not control my tmau
That it can disrupt my life
and that I am not in control of it.

I hate that tmau as impacted every element of my life; social, relationships, self esteem etc.

I hate feeling "other" sometimes

I hate the false shame( cause Its not like I'm doing something "wrong"- its just my body)

I hate wondering if tmau will rob me of certain dreams

And if I'm going to vent properly...
Sometimes I just hate that life is not perfect.

But....life is not perfect.
And when I'm reminded of that....I can leave my anger alone for a while, and look outward- not inward.

Sorry....to vent on you. But as angry as I may sound, I'm not screaming or crying. I feel a little achy in my heart but...I'm listening to music, sitting by a large window... and about to eat some pasta. So I'm okay.

I just really have been sensing all the painful elements of tmau. I needed to vent them.....

But, to illuminate the less obvious impacts...

....I'm going to say two of the good things tmau has done for me ( I KNOW...thorn in the flesh)

1. Made me very compassionate toward people who suffer
2. Made me stronger in all ways


Sincerely,

Black Rose

You are not alone

Some days I feel alone with tmau.
Some days I'm angry that I have it-I hate the struggle and feel weak and alone.

However, in reality none of us are alone. There is always someone else going through the same thing as you- even though no two people will feel exactly the same about the same struggle.

As my dad says, about everything , "Stay Strong." The truth is we are all precious and valuable despite what we struggle with.


By the way, I received a late birthday present and guess what it was?!

A journal :)


Sincerely,

Black Rose

....want to know what I'm listening to?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s43ZIDSXgw0&feature=related

It feels like Fall

I love this time of year,
the cool air
the vibrant sunsets.

Today I woke and stayed in bed watching TV. The love saga by Janette Okes is on the Hallmark channel.

Feel- good movies always uplift me.

Last night I met a few of my friends for coffee at Barnes and nobles ( but I didn't drink any coffee- its not my thing. I prefer tea).

Ive been in a really tense mood. I think its because my body has been really fighting to recover liver and thyroid health. I must say...I am healing :)...but its been a long road. Ive felt particularly vulnerable to tmau worries because of additional health concerns but this weather has calmed me.... Today will be a lazy day though. I may get some reading done but overall I'm treating myself to laziness.

Find the joy in today.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Yesterday was Hard...Today is a New Day

Yesterday was my long day. 2pm- 9pm. Back to Back classes.
I'm always most tense on those days. The question is nearly constantly in the back of my mind around people, "Do I smell okay?"
There were no events that I noticed yesterday...I was just tense. Mainly because even before I had tmau, I always wanted people to like me.
Now I'm hyper-sensitive to peoples opinion of me.
On days like that I call my parents (unconditional love!) and those friends that I have bonded with. I listen to other peoples struggles and realize everyone has something.
But I am working on accepting that I cant please everyone, and that if someone doesn't like me or want to be around me. That is perfectly fine.

As for today, I am excited. No classes. FREEDOM FEELING!!!!!!! Going to tutor and be tutored.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Journaling = therapy

It is time for me to get a new journal...
I usually go to a bookstore and find the prettiest, feels-good-in-your-hand, journal I can find.
My 2011 journal is filled up and Ive begun writing in a old marble notebook- which really does not feel the same.
I'm excited about finding a new one....

I began journaling heavily during my onset of tmau. It was( and is) truly therapeutic. Journaling is like writing to a friend and purging your heart and emotions. Seeing pain on a page is much better than holding it in your heart. There is deep comfort in writing.

By the way,
Yesterday at school I was quite nervous about entering that classroom where as I said last week I had a tmau occurrence. I am happy to say my body was calm and I had no problems. I even enjoyed the class and was able to relax. I was able to move my seat a little away from the crunched layout we are usually in- which helped to relax me too.

Oh..and one last thing for today. I'm going to leave you guys with a youtube video of one of my heros. The video is not for the faint of heart. She is so strong and has been through more trauma than I could ever fathom. She is compassionate and beautiful- so watch and be uplifted.....hug!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzAPs3Z_X7k


(might I encourage you to go get yourself a lovely or handsome journal and start your own inner journey...)

Sincerely,
Black Rose

A season for everything

My mom told me not to be hard on myself, because in reality this tmau issue showed up in high school years( puberty) and my body will change again. I really do believe her- not because I'm some optimist( because I'm not)but because things in life are always changing. Nothing stays the same completely. Ive been really stuck on peoples opinions of me, for a long time. Feeling shameful about something that I couldn't even control. Some days it still really feels haunting- but my mom reminds me everybody is the same. No one is better than anyone else. She also told me that I don't need to answer to anyone about my condition unless I want to. (I love my mom)...

I have decided that those desires in my heart, all those prayers Ive had since a young girl- to write novels, to teach, to travel, to get married, to have kids - I will have all those things.... Everything has its season.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

9 11

Today is a day to realize many people are hurting.
So many people experienced loss from 9.11.
So many people were also courageous....
brave....
selfless....
loving.

Lets dwell on the compassion and strength of those people. We can remember there is hope and beauty in the darkest of days.

God bless you.

Sincerely,
Black Rose

The sun is out

Today was simply beautiful.
Went to campus to go over a paper.
Tutored a friend.
Then....a little browsing in stores.

This week I slept very little and am going to finish up this paper and turn in early.

Oh and great documentary below! Watch and be inspired. HUG!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwZmRvIDEec

Sincerely,
Black Rose

So today was painful/ good

I cant help thinking so much recently....
Does everything happen for a reason? Does everything that happens have to happen? Does every tear I cry or moment of angst matter?

I think so. I really do.

I'm taking that approach with tmau. Sometimes I imagine my life without it, how much more carefree everything would be, people I would have been able to get close to, friendships that would have lasted. Its kind of awful, that feeling of loss, and not being able to be in control- but I remind myself there are far more difficult struggles. People have been in war and suffer from intense PTSD that keeps them from living freely, there are burn victims that have had to cope with the loss of their body or face as they knew it, there are people who were born without limbs, or sight, or developed mental capabilities.
I am very blessed- regardless.
So about my day..... For one thing I don't like sitting really close to people in class. Luckily two out of three of my classes is spaced out. But today, in that one class, I think I was bothering the girl next to me. I was really( really really really) fed up with the stress of it and was like....forget it...I'm just going to say something...
I called my mom after class, all teary eyed and what not. I decided I would just go to the girl, tell her I have tmau and that there is not anything I can do about it but that I am working with it.

And guess what :)....I did it! (First time ever telling someone besides family)
She was kind and just was like okay, your fine, okay. I appreciated how nice she was about it actually.

My nerves are still a little shot, having done something so out of my norm, but I'm also glad. I have a feeling my tmau occurrences are going to get less and less since my liver and thyroid health is being restored ( I am working with the most wonderful natural doctor ever). All the vitamins and treatment for that really aggravated my tmau. When I am healed I am going to ask him about tips for my tmau.
Anyway.....I just got in not long ago. Its black blue outside. The moons out. I'm going to eat, maybe watch some youtube video's and relax.

Everything is going to be okay.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

The Truth will set you free

I am trying something new. I am facing my tmau. I have been a tmau sufferer since high school and I am now a vibrant 24 year old in Graduate School. High School was traumatic, college- not nearly as much . Now, in graduate school I am finding it has been traumatic again. Further health problems have aggravated my tmau. Just now, after a whole first semester of grief over it, I am finding relief from my other health difficulties( thyroid and liver) and my tmau occurrences have subsided. This blog is for people who have struggled with tmau as well. My goal is to write daily, to encourage and be encouraged by your feedback. So some thoughts for the day.... Recently Ive been aware of how much I live through fantasy to cope with tmau. I am a writer so, it is easy for me to fall into a dream world. Instead, I am challenging myself to stay present and take life day by day. Life is beautiful and worth living no matter how difficult.

Especially today.
It is raining. I love the rain.

Sincerely,
Black Rose