Dedicated to the Traumatized

This is dedicated to the Traumatized

The freezing
The dissociation from reality
we try to go invisible
To escape the pain
cruel eyes
shaming words
it harms us deeper
but somehow
we
continue
on

Dear Readers,
My heart is utterly broken today. I am baffled by my own pain, endless defense mechanisms and grief. I want to scream, but that seems pointless. Even in this UTTER devastation. I will continue. Lets continue.

It will not always be like this.

Much love.

Black Rose

( check out Stephanie Neilson's blog. She inspired mine- she is the definition of strong)

Be encouraged

I was on cure zone the other day and I realized there are so many people going through this same heartbreaking condition. I am amazed that so many people feel exactly what I have feel, and been where I have been, and are where I am.
It gives me strength and inspires me continue to encourage and to write.

One thing Ive struggled with is being cruel to myself over this thing I can not control. Tmau really triggered my inner wounds and turned into full blown self loathing.

I did not feel beautiful

I did not feel desirable

I felt deeply unworthy of good things

I tortured myself emotionally with blame and shame for tmau when in reality I didn't ask for it. At the time I didn't even know what it was!I had no idea their was a condition called tmau.

I barely thought I had the right to exist because of the harsh ways people interacted with me because of tmau

I was utterly heartbroken over feeling my joy, social life and confidence slip through my fingers.


I will not put on a front....sometimes those feelings still arise. But, let me tell you what I know NOW!

I am beautiful, because I am human. I have eyes filled with soul and so do you!

I am not alone in this struggle with tmau, so many other people struggle with the same feelings, aches, and fears.

I do not need to feel shame over something that I can not control! I can only do my best with the knowledge of tmau I have.


Other people are just people. They have problems too, and I am not less than anyone!


God bless you readers.


With love,

Black Rose

Happy Decemeber 1st

December
is
here.
Happy December 1st everyone!

I am basically obsessed with new months and New years. I love the idea of a new start on life.

I have faith that much healing will occur in December.

God bless you readers. You are in my prayers.



Want to dance? This came on when I was driving home....I thought they were saying " dark days" ....I got so excited. I was like YESSS....the DARK DAYS ARE OVER! :)

Its a fun song anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ny4deVFsYuo


-Black Rose

Still Moving Forward

I am in a Romantic mood.
The skies of November have been extremely beautiful. Dark blues and pastel pinks, blurs of white.

I have been in a zombie state for maybe the last three weeks.I have so many questions about life, about my future about my dreams, about my pains...about everything...
Some days have been very hard emotionally and physically ( my thyroid and liver are still acting up!)

Today I had to drop one of my classes.

I have three classes total, two of them Ive done well in and one, I have not.

I was on autopilot when I realized that I held a less than satisfactory grade in the class. It hurts because I did hustle, I went to class when my body felt like it was dying on me-many days. Also, the professor is one of the head teachers of the programs. I sooooo wanted to impress him. I did not. I feel that if my health were better and that I had the carefree mind that I so desire- I would have done very well indeed. After all, I enjoyed every class of his.

Oh Well :(

Maybe that's what I get for playing superwoman.



Some thoughts for you lovely readers,

1. Its okay to ask for help

2. Its okay to sometimes disappoint people. Superwoman/Superman is only a comic book hero.

3.Its okay to feel lonely sometimes. Sometimes God uses it to get close to us, so that we cling to Him closer.

4. Its okay to smile at others even if they don't smile back. Someone may be touched by your smile. Someone may fall in love with it.

5. Its okay to rely on God to carry your broken heart.

6. Music is not just music, its therapy.

7. There are people in this world who need your compassion and inspiration. Find them.

8. Its okay to pray for those who hurt you. It gives you a beautiful heart and heals you and maybe even them.



God Bless


Yours truly,

Black Rose

I love this mans spirit....

I saw JR Martinez on "All my children", flipping through channels and I was curious about his scars- and I also found him handsome.

There is something about burn victims that touches me. I feel that burn victims go through an excruciating healing process which makes them immediate hero's. Also, it must be very difficult to have your body be altered and injured by fire. As tmau suffers we are judged when we have a tmau occurrence, however burn victims are constantly having to deal with reconstructive surgeries and physical and bodily changes that they can not hide and have to constantly cope with.

So...I bring all this up to say...

JR Martinez has a beautiful spirit.

Here is a interview of him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hpUNH77Iik

My Best Friend is Jesus

Romans 5:8

It may sound funny

But Jesus Christ is my best friend.

He is my Savior and he also is the one I talk to when I am sad, or happy or scared or...anything else.

Jesus love is unique and perfect. He wants nothing from me but my love. He never judges me by the things the world judges me on. He just wants my heart.

He will be my best friend in these difficult days of youth, and when I am old and grey.

His love is good.

Sincerely

Black Rose

If you want more...and you are into rock( I love ROCK)...This song set my heart on fire the past few days.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG0Uxxa6aRI

These Days

Dear Readers,

I am sorry I have been M.I.A ( missing in action).
Unfortunately I have had a vicious ear infection for much too long (I'm not going to even tell you how long! Too long!) and it is just now today feeling better.

I missed class yesterday which I'm sad about, and I have make up work to do today- and I'm not even sure if my teachers will accept it. I hope they will.

Something to share...

I watched Oprah Life-class a few days ago( laying in bed grumpy with ear pain!) and saw something interesting. The class was on anger. I have found I have had a lot of anger recently wondering WHY WHY WHY WHY...for a million different things. Some pertaining to tmau- Some not.

A quote was stated on the show about how to release anger. Oprah explained that releasing anger has to do with releasing the hope that the past could be any different. As soon as I heard that I realized how much energy I spend wishing events in High school, college and even graduate school were vastly different. Hearing that softens the sting of past pains. I hope it does for you too.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Stay Inspired

Dear Readers,

I am pleased that my liver and thyroid is healing. I have had more energy and have had better sleep.

Today I did nothing but write fiction. I only took breaks to eat, and then to go to a bookstore just to be around books.

I felt inspired.

Our souls need inspiration. Find things you love, let it inspire you.


-Black Rose

What I am thankful for...

Even in this struggle with tmau...there are still many things to be thankful for

I am thankful for...

The ability to see

The ability to walk

Having my own comfortable apartment

Having money to support myself and my needs

Freedom

A loving Family

Beautiful sunsets which keep me inspired

Mental Health

The opportunity to attend school

Knowing God loves me, sees me, and desires me

green apples

Rain

Being alive




What does your list look like?


-Black Rose

I know what It feels Like...

I know what it feels like to be so intensely embarrassed that all you can do is stay frozen

I know how it feels to be so focused mentally on "getting through" a embarrassing moment that you feel like your outside of yourself watching yourself in pain

I know what it feels like to be so angry that you are the one being emotionally tortured by people who just don't know any better

I know what it feels like to think of the pain of tmau so often that you are desperate for an escape

I know what it feels like to be so distraught about reality that you begin to live in your mind for comfort and release

I know what it feels like to feel broken-hearted over loosing a close friend, or possible close friend to something you can not control

I know what it feels like to be looked at with shock and repulsion

I know what it feels like to feel completely hopeless that the next day will be any different from the last, that the teasing will continue, that the pain will persist

I know what it feels like to live a lie to run from my pain


I know what it feels like.


(You are not alone. Hug)


Sincerely,


Black Rose

Cruelty, Hope and Other things on my mind....

Dear Reader,

Today I was thinking about cruelty. I was thinking about how we as humans all have the possible drive to be cruel to others.


I read a great article on cruelty and how to understand it in others, and undo it in yourself.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/200912/the-true-cause-cruelty

I was specifically thinking about people who are suffering and harassed for things beyond their control. I was even thinking about how I used to tease my little brother when I was younger, how I was talked about for my tmau, and about people I've met who cruelly use people.

I don't want cruelty to have any place in my heart and I want to be able to respond with more understanding with others who are cruel to me.

Enjoy the article.

I also saw this show about this lovely young girl who has a medical condition that has aged her face. She is beautiful and I wish she knew it and it hurts me to see how awful people are to her.
The girl inspired me though, she still had hope for her life. We have to hold onto our hope no matter what.

Recently I have watched hope dwindle in my life. I stopped believing that good things were in the future for me. I started to only feel the pain of life and no beauty.

Last night. I decided to hold onto hope no matter what- and the beauty of life came back in that moment.

The video is sad so its not for the faint of heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SZ8MVvoBDw

God bless you

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Judgemental Eyes and Warm Eyes

Dear Readers,

I slept 2 hours last night. Recently I have not written on this blog nearly as much as I wanted to but...I will not stop with this blog because it is my therapy and it strengthens me to strengthen others.
Also, I am strengthened by those who read this blog.
I stayed up horribly late last night working on a presentation for my class.
I was so nervous readers....nervous of the reactions of my class as I stood in front of them.

It is the class with the girl that I had to approach once because I had an tmau occurrence around her- I explained very briefly about tmau and that was that.

However, I get nervous around people that I know have at some time judged me or misunderstood me because of the tmau. I feel like the expression of people who don't understand my condition is pure harsh, critical judgement( which never feels good).

I was blessed to see some warm eyes during the presentation though. A few people came up to me and said I did a good job.

Now....I sleep.

(well...quick snack before I do....cooked green apples. By the way....Happy new month-November)


God bless.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Wonderful video about tmau

Dear Readers,

Inspiring YouTube video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trlfAl2NpQo&feature=fvst

Stronger!

Dear Readers,

I have an awesome brother( 2 actually). I called the older one last night with my emotions awry. He is the calmest, most unaffected man on the face of the earth. He is kind and compassionate and very artistic and popular at his campus.
His "whatever" attitude settles me down in my most crazed moments.
I am the quirky, bookish, quiet girl and he is the music making, hipster- the king of calm.

Anyway,
For the first time in my life I told him about the tmau and explained all about it. He had no idea. He said hes never smelled anything around me.
He listened to me and encouraged me.

He told me to do things to raise my self esteem. He told me to go shopping, try different style- like hipster....(hum maybe :).

He told me to stop feeling like I need to be nice all the time, and be honest with my emotions and become even more sociable to spite my tmau. To voice my voice.

He told me that he's smelled people before- he said he smelled girls in High School and College and even one of his close friends once. He said he approached a cute girl at one point and she smelled and he still just thought that she was cute.

He said to not care what anyone things of me and to focus on the people who like me.

He said everyone has their struggles even if I cant see them.


Hooray to being stronger!

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Why have I had to suffer?

Today I woke up bitter.
I felt bitter toward Life.
Toward myself.
Toward God.

My heart was hard today, trying to hide my pain.

I vented today.

I cried today.

It got really ugly.

About an hour ago I called one of my good friends and asked why God has allowed me to suffer so much and told her that I did not want to trust Him anymore.

She encouraged me that although she didn't know why God allowed suffering- there is a reason for everything and that He loves me very much and will never leave me.

Her words healed the pain of the day.

Romans 11:36 helped me too.

She told me about many of the people on the news she has seen who had been through deep struggles. She told me also about a young man on "Dancing with Stars" a burn victim, who is turning a tragedy to triumph.


Writing now, I feel better. I know that some days-like this one- will be very hard. But I know God loves me even if I cant see it.

He loves you too-very much.


Sincerely,

Black Rose

Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

I have just realized that you have left wonderful comments for me. I am still getting used to blogger. I have left comments for you in return :)

Today I met with a professor. He sat right next to me! That always makes me nervous- but oh well! I think the meeting went fine- he was just checking one of my papers.

I will probably not sleep tonight. I spent a lot of the day writing fiction instead of studying.

Tomorrow I will grocery shop. I will make sure to only get tmau friendly foods.

God Bless

Sincerely,

Back Rose

(Notice comments in "Tmau and Shame" and "When I'm not in control..")

When I try to hide truth from myself ( Denial)

Dear Reader,

I have been in my apartment the last two days struggling on a paper and watching tv. I miss my family. I miss my friends.
I feel like a hermit.
I feel like I am in hiding.
But..I don't have the mental, physical or emotional strength to mingle right now.

Outside- through my big window-Its gorgeous, sunny and the trees are orange.
Before it gets too late outside I will take a walk.

Ive been thinking about issues to write about and one came to mind- Denial.
Even before tmau- when I was real young, I realized that I could detach myself from the pain I was feeling and just ignore the reality of the hurt. I could live in a fantasy where things worked out the way I wanted.

In High School when my tmau occurrences began I was perfectly traumatized as I would sit in class extremely worried whether or not I was smelling and If anyone was talking about me.
The way I coped with the pain of it all was more or less denying how painful it was to struggle with tmau. I doodled on the sides of my notebooks during class to calm my nerves. I would often write stories and poetry in class to "escape" the classroom and my classmates. Sometimes I would have an awful day where someone was talking about me and I would deny even hearing them, then I would rush home and read stories about far away lands.

Now, at 24 I still have a issue with dealing with pain or unfavorable experiences. It feels much more comfortable to me to live in denial about pain I feel, experiences I have, things I say, things I do. Everything. In my mind it feels like my denial protects me- but it Does NOT.

It keeps me from healing.

Now when something painful happens I try to let myself experience the reality.

If I am sad. I'm going to let myself cry over whatever is the painful reality- not the painful but easier fantasy.

I may call my mom or treat myself to a cup of tea or watch a good movie . But, I am not going to pretend.

A little denial is natural. It helps the mind cope when pain is toooo intense. However, Ive made it a lifestyle in some ways.

There's no reason for me to have to deny who I am and what Ive been through.

I have my pains.

Ive made my mistakes.

There are some memories that I wish I could rewrite- but cant.

I have my fears.

There are dreams I am still waiting on.

There are truths I know- that I don't like- but cant change





And I don't have to hide any of that.


God Bless


Sincerely,

Black Rose

Hello :) Im back

Dear Readers,
I am sorry that I have not written in so long.
My computer had to be taken in for repair( took the whole week).

I am back now :)

This past week was somewhat lonely. In class I've been keeping to myself because in my business with homework and papers, I don't feel like dealing with other opinions of me.

I do have at least one person in each class which are kind to me and talk with me before and after class.

The B-2 vitamin has truly reduced the occurrences and strength of the odor- which is a blessing. I noticed people sitting closer to me and I feel more confident when I have to talk to someone in the class.

Ive just felt a bit isolated. In all honestly this week probably felt harder because I did not have the opportunity to write on this blog and draw strength from encouraging and being encouraged. I feel so much better just typing out my thoughts at this very moment while sipping on some soup....

*Hug* Sincerely,

Black Rose

Being Kind to Ourselves

Dear Readers,
Its easy to beat up on ourselves over tmau. We may feel like we should be angry at ourselves or our bodies...
I am learning to be kind to myself.
I am accepting that I am powerless over somethings.


Today
the weather was perfect. Cool, sunny, colorful.

I wrote a lot of poetry today.
Poems about everything

My hopes

Dreams

Fears

Pains

Joys



God Bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Tmau and Anger

Dear Readers,

Recently Ive felt angry about the fact that my social life is not the way I would want it to be.
I am a lively person and because of my concerns with tmau I have been unable to fully express myself as I would like.
I was feeling cranky about it last night before I went to bed.
I turned on the tv and began watching Oprah's network.
On the show there was a young man, who had been a solider.
He is now blind, and has severe trauma to his mind. He can not walk by himself, process thoughts easily or speak easily.
Before he had been a young, vibrant man.
Now he has to live the rest of his life struggling with the small movements and thought processes that come so easily to us.
He lost so much defending us.
After I saw that I felt differently.
I am thankful for what I have

Who I am

And the good I have experienced.


Sincerely,

Black Rose

Loss leads to deeper compassion

Today it was raining again. I love it.

The rain makes me even more introspective than normal. I love to write and contemplate life when there is rain outside my window.

I thought today about loss.

I thought about the loss I've endured in my life due to tmau. Loss of friendships, possible friendships, complete confidence with my body, social experiences, care-free interactions with others- and loss of that "I can do anything" feeling I had as a child. I can not deny the loss I have experienced. The loss is real.

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go back and remove myself from the days and moments that now cause me ache to reflect on. However, I can only live for this moment now.

While tmau does sometimes bring loss we must remember that loss is a part of life. No one is exempt from loss.

Consider people who lose a child in a car accident, lose their memory in old age, lose their ability to see, lose their spouse to an affair, lose their dream for love to reality of abuse, lose their health to a illness......and the list goes on.
Everyone has pain.
Everyone has moments that they hate to remember and wish wish wish never happened. Everyone. Your pain is Real and it matters. God sees it( and sees you) and your pain will not be wasted.

Some of the most compassionate people have suffered the most.
You can end up being someone's strength.

*Hug*( with love)

Sincerely,

Black Rose

I deserve...

I deserve....______

Dear Reader,
Today it was raining. Driving home from campus the sky was thick with clouds. The trees have begun to turn colors. Vibrant red leaves everywhere.
It was stunning.
Somethings been on my mind. I had a long time friend who doesn't talk to me much anymore because of experiencing my tmau. Recently Ive been feeling rather sad about it. I try not to dwell on it much. It is sad, no doubt about that, but there is a larger purpose even in what seems like arbitrary emotional torture. Our lives are precious stories, and no line in our "books" are there for no reason.

I deserve...._______

I was thinking about the shame issue, because I feel like it is the core of the emotional distress that comes with tmau. Tmau makes us feel flawed and undeserving of good, true, and lasting things.

I have been reminding myself to not let myself hold onto toxic shame about events I could not control- and to remind myself that I deserve to experience the beauty of life.

I deserve to milk the joy out of even hard seasons, and so do you.


God bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Sometimes living in Reality hurts like crazy...but I will choose to live here anyway

I don't know when I first learned that I could use fantasy to sooth my pain. I think I learned very early on- I've always been a imaginative and creative person.
After I started struggling with tmau, writing fiction became my joy- a way to interact in a world I created without shame, fear or grief. In many ways writing kept me strong.
Recently though, I realize I have a hard time living in Reality when it is less than pleasing. Hard facts makes me want to escape into a story, or into a imagined story line that would be better and less painful. Through my imagination I can infuse into my life- closeness, when I feel lonely or acceptance when I feel rejected. The problem is I find myself taking long vacations from "real life" and "whats true."
The truth is, sometimes Reality can hurt like crazy

But I will choose to live here anyway.




(No more fantasy defense mechanism...I will save my imagination for my stories)


How do you cope with life's pains?


God bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Liver and Thyroid....so...slow..to...heal!

I prefer the all natural approach with healing, whenever I can. My natural doctor has been patiently working with me since the beginning of this year to heal my body of candida, sluggish thyroid and liver and multiple vitamin deficiencies. I am becoming healthier everyday but it has taken so long that I feel frustrated and spent.

The past few days I have had to rest as much as I could. I didn't have much energy for anything. Today I was able to do some grocery shopping. I always keep my tmau and candida in mind when I buy food. I don't eat any of the foods on the tmau and candida "Don't Eat" list- except for raisins. I like raisins in my oatmeal for breakfast. ( Guilty Pleasure) I read somewhere that organic raisins are less troublesome...so I'm going to start buying those.

By the way readers, I think the B-2 vitamin is actually lessening the odor. :) I take a small dose, one time a day because I'm sensitive and want to see how it works with my body.
The article I referenced in my last post says... Recommended intake is 30-40mg taken 3-5 times per day with food.

I'm not there yet. I only found a 50mg at the store and I just take that once a day- for now, until I feel comfortable with taking more.
Readers remember, be careful with your body. Don't overtake anything- even vitamins! Take vitamin doses recommended by a trusted doctor familiar with tmau or trusted tmau health articles. Monitor yourself to see if it is agreeing with your body.

God bless
*hug*

Sincerely,

Black Rose

God loves you (even if others reject you)

Some things are so painful...like loosing someone close in your life because of rejection. That hurts-Badly.
I was thinking about that today... yet I know that there is a reason for everything.

To sooth the pain of rejection from people- know God loves you. GOD LOVES YOU AND ALWAYS WILL! I do not understand why I, or others have had to suffer the things I have but I know there is a plan in all of it and that none of my tears are wasted.

Not

even

one

drop.

(and none of yours will be wasted either)

*hug*

Sincerely,

Black Rose

B-2 and a note on the mirror

Today was a good day.
I presented on that dystopian novel and I feel it went well.
Also, Yesterday I brought B-2 vitamin at the advice of a reader( much thanks :) and found that although I was tense and anxious while presenting-their was no odor.
Below is a good read about tmau information. Towards the bottom it mentions B-2.

http://www.genome.gov/11508983

Today when I went to the bathroom mirror on campus and looked up- their was a note. It said-

"You are so Valuable"

I had to smile because it was right in my eyesight and just made me feel wonderful- so I am going to pass it on...because it is true.

You are so Valuable

God bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Positive Therapy

Dear Readers,
The last couple of days have been non-stop schoolwork. I am frazzled and feel....somewhat awful. My head feels tense and even music isn't calming me. UGH! (ranting face!)
I just finished reading a book, which I'll admit- I chose without much research. I chose the book to present on this Tuesday. However, the book is DEPRESSING. Its a dystopian novel, more or less about a nation without empathy or clean water...or effective police. I am half way done the book and I have called two people to rant about how much of a downer it is. Its beautifully written but so grim and strange that I can not and will not recommend it!
Anyway,
During my reading break I saw a show on tv called The Emotional Life. The part that I caught was very interesting- about a new therapy called "Positive Therapy." From what I understood the therapy has to do with focusing on the positive parts of yourself and your life. I am interested in learning more about it. But for tonight...I will create my own positive therapy.

Black Rose's October 1st Positive Therapy

1. It was chilly today- I love chill
2. The cashier smiled nicely at me at the health food store
3. I finished that paper and sent it in!
4. I read that terrifying book which made me (VERY) thankful to be safe, have food and comfort
5. I am now getting sleepy and am in for a relaxing deep sleep

What was your positive for the day?

Happy October 1st Readers :)

Sincerely,

Black Rose

I will not let tmau......

.....shame me
I will not let tmau shame me.
Today in my last class for the day( 3 hours long) I noticed an odor. It wasn't overwhelming but it was noticeable. I felt embarrassed and nervous because the girl next to me is very nice and I enjoy her friendship.
I sat with my body, motionless and still ( don't you hate that tense fear?!)wondering why the heck I was having to go through this.
Finally the odor subsided and I took a breath.
As a sign of her genuine kindness, at the end of class she just stared at me with warm eyes and smiled saying, "Have a wonderful weekend. Get a lot of good sleep!"
I left the class, walked out into the cool darkness of night just wondering was I going to guilt trip myself or was I going to move on from it. I got in my car and turned on music. Within minutes the unpleasant feelings were gone.
I admired the night sky,
and the ambiance of the coming of autumn.

I will not let tmau shame me.

Turn on some music( the kind that lifts the spirit)

Sincerely,

Black Rose

*hug*

Tmau and Dating

My tmau started my late sophomore year of High School. It was horribly stressful because everyday I would worry if someone was talking about me, or if I was offending someone or If I'd lose a friend. I did not know what was happening since I knew nothing of tmau. Simply said...It was traumatic. As much of a hopeless romantic as I am, I pushed that aside. I didn't want to get close to a boy who I liked from fear of offending him. I still had crushes...which I would just write about in my journal.
In college a guy I liked began to pursue me and for some reason, my tmau occurrences were much less in college-I began dating the guy. I always had the fear in the back of my mind that he would know my struggle. Not long into the relationship I realized that something wasn't right....it didn't feel genuine and I deeply doubted the truth of what I was experiencing. Finally i concluded, it wasn't true- there wasn't a emotional connection on his part and he wasn't "in love with me" as he professed. Still....I stayed.
Why?
I figured that a fake relationship was as close as id ever come to "love." I know- a sad philosophy. I know it had a lot to do with the shame of tmau experiences in high school, the rejection and feeling undesirable (even though my family loved me deeply). I didn't feel beautiful. I did not feel feminine and I had such a dejected persona that I could not imagine a guy actually loving me for me and wanting to commit to me.

Since that experience in my life many things have changed. I no longer walk around with sad embarrassed eyes. I may sometimes be sad over embarrassing tmau occurrences or days gone wrong but I know I am special. I know that I am strong and that I have unique gifts to bring to life.
I decided that I deserve to walk in truth, even if it is difficult. I will not hide behind fantasy or lies.
When a season of love comes in my life I will not be afraid to be known and accept whatever truth flows from that.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Tmau and Shame

Dear readers,
Today I was just thinking about the awful shame that comes with tmau. We feel "bad" because we have this body struggle. Truth be told tmau is not "bad" and does not make us "bad."We are just human being with a physical struggle. Simple as that.
Those around us, who may have rejected us or talked about us make us feel deep shame. It makes us wish we smelled like flowers,or were someone else, or were not around anyone during a tmau occurrence. We are frantic to maintain "control" of our bodies so that we can feel accepted and loved. The experience is painful and no one who has not experienced tmau can quite understand how impacting it is.
We seek to hide from all the pain we experience.

Dear Reader, I want to tell you what will never change- despite how others have hurt your heart, or despite the despair you may feel

1. You are precious and irreplaceable. There is only one of you- and you are more precious than any treasure in the world.

2. You are beautiful. Your smile, your face,your body, your heart- your fears..You are beautiful

3. You are worthy of love. There are many people on this earth. There are some very compassionate people- not all people will respond to you as you may think.


Be kind to yourself and do not beat yourself up for this struggle you are enduring. Some things that are helpful are- writing, contacting a natural doctor who is clearly compassionate( listens to you and shows gentle/honest concern) and knowledgeable to assist you with vitamins/teas or herbs/ that can assist your bodies scent. Drink water ( I keep a water body on me to calm me if I'm stressed or anxious). Find someone you can trust to talk about it with- a loving family member, friend or counselor.

God bless.

Hug.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Joy in the storm

Today the weather was beautiful. I put on some blue jeans, a rose colored tee, and flip flops. When I got inside the classrooms on campus, I was freezing. Air conditioner was on full blast( and I adore the cold) but it was too cold.

Long day.
Finished around 9pm.

I'm glad to be home-now in a long sleeve shirt and socks!

So today was.....tense. Ugh. I have to be honest. I'm in a rough season and I'm baffled whether or not I'm handling it right. Should I have pushed back school till my health was better? ( annoying liver and sluggish thyroid) Should I have taken one class,instead of three? Should I have not started graduate school at all knowing my health was a issue. I DON'T KNOW! I just don't. I don't! All I can say is I tried my best to handle it the way that seemed right to me at the time. I feel my graduate school experience has been drastically diminished due to my health. However, I am enjoying the subjects, novels, professors- just my personal and social life struggles- makes me sad.

However... I know that it will get better. Like I said my health issues has made it so toxins do not leave my body properly, causing a host of issues and put my tmau into overdrive. So you can imagine why socially there is a struggle.... Ive been able to make several nice friends though, and I am grateful for that. I cant change what has happened.

I cant be "ashamed" about not handling things "perfect"-
I'm not a robot

And I promise I will find the joy in every day. I found it today, driving home and enjoying the music, swaying a little.... I have joy now, realizing that everything happens for a reason- and eating some oatmeal and raisins and listening to music...the kind that makes me want to dance.....

God bless.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

When Im not in control...I sometimes vent

I hate that I can not control my tmau
That it can disrupt my life
and that I am not in control of it.

I hate that tmau as impacted every element of my life; social, relationships, self esteem etc.

I hate feeling "other" sometimes

I hate the false shame( cause Its not like I'm doing something "wrong"- its just my body)

I hate wondering if tmau will rob me of certain dreams

And if I'm going to vent properly...
Sometimes I just hate that life is not perfect.

But....life is not perfect.
And when I'm reminded of that....I can leave my anger alone for a while, and look outward- not inward.

Sorry....to vent on you. But as angry as I may sound, I'm not screaming or crying. I feel a little achy in my heart but...I'm listening to music, sitting by a large window... and about to eat some pasta. So I'm okay.

I just really have been sensing all the painful elements of tmau. I needed to vent them.....

But, to illuminate the less obvious impacts...

....I'm going to say two of the good things tmau has done for me ( I KNOW...thorn in the flesh)

1. Made me very compassionate toward people who suffer
2. Made me stronger in all ways


Sincerely,

Black Rose

You are not alone

Some days I feel alone with tmau.
Some days I'm angry that I have it-I hate the struggle and feel weak and alone.

However, in reality none of us are alone. There is always someone else going through the same thing as you- even though no two people will feel exactly the same about the same struggle.

As my dad says, about everything , "Stay Strong." The truth is we are all precious and valuable despite what we struggle with.


By the way, I received a late birthday present and guess what it was?!

A journal :)


Sincerely,

Black Rose

....want to know what I'm listening to?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s43ZIDSXgw0&feature=related

It feels like Fall

I love this time of year,
the cool air
the vibrant sunsets.

Today I woke and stayed in bed watching TV. The love saga by Janette Okes is on the Hallmark channel.

Feel- good movies always uplift me.

Last night I met a few of my friends for coffee at Barnes and nobles ( but I didn't drink any coffee- its not my thing. I prefer tea).

Ive been in a really tense mood. I think its because my body has been really fighting to recover liver and thyroid health. I must say...I am healing :)...but its been a long road. Ive felt particularly vulnerable to tmau worries because of additional health concerns but this weather has calmed me.... Today will be a lazy day though. I may get some reading done but overall I'm treating myself to laziness.

Find the joy in today.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Yesterday was Hard...Today is a New Day

Yesterday was my long day. 2pm- 9pm. Back to Back classes.
I'm always most tense on those days. The question is nearly constantly in the back of my mind around people, "Do I smell okay?"
There were no events that I noticed yesterday...I was just tense. Mainly because even before I had tmau, I always wanted people to like me.
Now I'm hyper-sensitive to peoples opinion of me.
On days like that I call my parents (unconditional love!) and those friends that I have bonded with. I listen to other peoples struggles and realize everyone has something.
But I am working on accepting that I cant please everyone, and that if someone doesn't like me or want to be around me. That is perfectly fine.

As for today, I am excited. No classes. FREEDOM FEELING!!!!!!! Going to tutor and be tutored.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Journaling = therapy

It is time for me to get a new journal...
I usually go to a bookstore and find the prettiest, feels-good-in-your-hand, journal I can find.
My 2011 journal is filled up and Ive begun writing in a old marble notebook- which really does not feel the same.
I'm excited about finding a new one....

I began journaling heavily during my onset of tmau. It was( and is) truly therapeutic. Journaling is like writing to a friend and purging your heart and emotions. Seeing pain on a page is much better than holding it in your heart. There is deep comfort in writing.

By the way,
Yesterday at school I was quite nervous about entering that classroom where as I said last week I had a tmau occurrence. I am happy to say my body was calm and I had no problems. I even enjoyed the class and was able to relax. I was able to move my seat a little away from the crunched layout we are usually in- which helped to relax me too.

Oh..and one last thing for today. I'm going to leave you guys with a youtube video of one of my heros. The video is not for the faint of heart. She is so strong and has been through more trauma than I could ever fathom. She is compassionate and beautiful- so watch and be uplifted.....hug!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzAPs3Z_X7k


(might I encourage you to go get yourself a lovely or handsome journal and start your own inner journey...)

Sincerely,
Black Rose

A season for everything

My mom told me not to be hard on myself, because in reality this tmau issue showed up in high school years( puberty) and my body will change again. I really do believe her- not because I'm some optimist( because I'm not)but because things in life are always changing. Nothing stays the same completely. Ive been really stuck on peoples opinions of me, for a long time. Feeling shameful about something that I couldn't even control. Some days it still really feels haunting- but my mom reminds me everybody is the same. No one is better than anyone else. She also told me that I don't need to answer to anyone about my condition unless I want to. (I love my mom)...

I have decided that those desires in my heart, all those prayers Ive had since a young girl- to write novels, to teach, to travel, to get married, to have kids - I will have all those things.... Everything has its season.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

9 11

Today is a day to realize many people are hurting.
So many people experienced loss from 9.11.
So many people were also courageous....
brave....
selfless....
loving.

Lets dwell on the compassion and strength of those people. We can remember there is hope and beauty in the darkest of days.

God bless you.

Sincerely,
Black Rose

The sun is out

Today was simply beautiful.
Went to campus to go over a paper.
Tutored a friend.
Then....a little browsing in stores.

This week I slept very little and am going to finish up this paper and turn in early.

Oh and great documentary below! Watch and be inspired. HUG!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwZmRvIDEec

Sincerely,
Black Rose

So today was painful/ good

I cant help thinking so much recently....
Does everything happen for a reason? Does everything that happens have to happen? Does every tear I cry or moment of angst matter?

I think so. I really do.

I'm taking that approach with tmau. Sometimes I imagine my life without it, how much more carefree everything would be, people I would have been able to get close to, friendships that would have lasted. Its kind of awful, that feeling of loss, and not being able to be in control- but I remind myself there are far more difficult struggles. People have been in war and suffer from intense PTSD that keeps them from living freely, there are burn victims that have had to cope with the loss of their body or face as they knew it, there are people who were born without limbs, or sight, or developed mental capabilities.
I am very blessed- regardless.
So about my day..... For one thing I don't like sitting really close to people in class. Luckily two out of three of my classes is spaced out. But today, in that one class, I think I was bothering the girl next to me. I was really( really really really) fed up with the stress of it and was like....forget it...I'm just going to say something...
I called my mom after class, all teary eyed and what not. I decided I would just go to the girl, tell her I have tmau and that there is not anything I can do about it but that I am working with it.

And guess what :)....I did it! (First time ever telling someone besides family)
She was kind and just was like okay, your fine, okay. I appreciated how nice she was about it actually.

My nerves are still a little shot, having done something so out of my norm, but I'm also glad. I have a feeling my tmau occurrences are going to get less and less since my liver and thyroid health is being restored ( I am working with the most wonderful natural doctor ever). All the vitamins and treatment for that really aggravated my tmau. When I am healed I am going to ask him about tips for my tmau.
Anyway.....I just got in not long ago. Its black blue outside. The moons out. I'm going to eat, maybe watch some youtube video's and relax.

Everything is going to be okay.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

The Truth will set you free

I am trying something new. I am facing my tmau. I have been a tmau sufferer since high school and I am now a vibrant 24 year old in Graduate School. High School was traumatic, college- not nearly as much . Now, in graduate school I am finding it has been traumatic again. Further health problems have aggravated my tmau. Just now, after a whole first semester of grief over it, I am finding relief from my other health difficulties( thyroid and liver) and my tmau occurrences have subsided. This blog is for people who have struggled with tmau as well. My goal is to write daily, to encourage and be encouraged by your feedback. So some thoughts for the day.... Recently Ive been aware of how much I live through fantasy to cope with tmau. I am a writer so, it is easy for me to fall into a dream world. Instead, I am challenging myself to stay present and take life day by day. Life is beautiful and worth living no matter how difficult.

Especially today.
It is raining. I love the rain.

Sincerely,
Black Rose