When I try to hide truth from myself ( Denial)

Dear Reader,

I have been in my apartment the last two days struggling on a paper and watching tv. I miss my family. I miss my friends.
I feel like a hermit.
I feel like I am in hiding.
But..I don't have the mental, physical or emotional strength to mingle right now.

Outside- through my big window-Its gorgeous, sunny and the trees are orange.
Before it gets too late outside I will take a walk.

Ive been thinking about issues to write about and one came to mind- Denial.
Even before tmau- when I was real young, I realized that I could detach myself from the pain I was feeling and just ignore the reality of the hurt. I could live in a fantasy where things worked out the way I wanted.

In High School when my tmau occurrences began I was perfectly traumatized as I would sit in class extremely worried whether or not I was smelling and If anyone was talking about me.
The way I coped with the pain of it all was more or less denying how painful it was to struggle with tmau. I doodled on the sides of my notebooks during class to calm my nerves. I would often write stories and poetry in class to "escape" the classroom and my classmates. Sometimes I would have an awful day where someone was talking about me and I would deny even hearing them, then I would rush home and read stories about far away lands.

Now, at 24 I still have a issue with dealing with pain or unfavorable experiences. It feels much more comfortable to me to live in denial about pain I feel, experiences I have, things I say, things I do. Everything. In my mind it feels like my denial protects me- but it Does NOT.

It keeps me from healing.

Now when something painful happens I try to let myself experience the reality.

If I am sad. I'm going to let myself cry over whatever is the painful reality- not the painful but easier fantasy.

I may call my mom or treat myself to a cup of tea or watch a good movie . But, I am not going to pretend.

A little denial is natural. It helps the mind cope when pain is toooo intense. However, Ive made it a lifestyle in some ways.

There's no reason for me to have to deny who I am and what Ive been through.

I have my pains.

Ive made my mistakes.

There are some memories that I wish I could rewrite- but cant.

I have my fears.

There are dreams I am still waiting on.

There are truths I know- that I don't like- but cant change





And I don't have to hide any of that.


God Bless


Sincerely,

Black Rose