Still Moving Forward

I am in a Romantic mood.
The skies of November have been extremely beautiful. Dark blues and pastel pinks, blurs of white.

I have been in a zombie state for maybe the last three weeks.I have so many questions about life, about my future about my dreams, about my pains...about everything...
Some days have been very hard emotionally and physically ( my thyroid and liver are still acting up!)

Today I had to drop one of my classes.

I have three classes total, two of them Ive done well in and one, I have not.

I was on autopilot when I realized that I held a less than satisfactory grade in the class. It hurts because I did hustle, I went to class when my body felt like it was dying on me-many days. Also, the professor is one of the head teachers of the programs. I sooooo wanted to impress him. I did not. I feel that if my health were better and that I had the carefree mind that I so desire- I would have done very well indeed. After all, I enjoyed every class of his.

Oh Well :(

Maybe that's what I get for playing superwoman.



Some thoughts for you lovely readers,

1. Its okay to ask for help

2. Its okay to sometimes disappoint people. Superwoman/Superman is only a comic book hero.

3.Its okay to feel lonely sometimes. Sometimes God uses it to get close to us, so that we cling to Him closer.

4. Its okay to smile at others even if they don't smile back. Someone may be touched by your smile. Someone may fall in love with it.

5. Its okay to rely on God to carry your broken heart.

6. Music is not just music, its therapy.

7. There are people in this world who need your compassion and inspiration. Find them.

8. Its okay to pray for those who hurt you. It gives you a beautiful heart and heals you and maybe even them.



God Bless


Yours truly,

Black Rose

I love this mans spirit....

I saw JR Martinez on "All my children", flipping through channels and I was curious about his scars- and I also found him handsome.

There is something about burn victims that touches me. I feel that burn victims go through an excruciating healing process which makes them immediate hero's. Also, it must be very difficult to have your body be altered and injured by fire. As tmau suffers we are judged when we have a tmau occurrence, however burn victims are constantly having to deal with reconstructive surgeries and physical and bodily changes that they can not hide and have to constantly cope with.

So...I bring all this up to say...

JR Martinez has a beautiful spirit.

Here is a interview of him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hpUNH77Iik

My Best Friend is Jesus

Romans 5:8

It may sound funny

But Jesus Christ is my best friend.

He is my Savior and he also is the one I talk to when I am sad, or happy or scared or...anything else.

Jesus love is unique and perfect. He wants nothing from me but my love. He never judges me by the things the world judges me on. He just wants my heart.

He will be my best friend in these difficult days of youth, and when I am old and grey.

His love is good.

Sincerely

Black Rose

If you want more...and you are into rock( I love ROCK)...This song set my heart on fire the past few days.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG0Uxxa6aRI

These Days

Dear Readers,

I am sorry I have been M.I.A ( missing in action).
Unfortunately I have had a vicious ear infection for much too long (I'm not going to even tell you how long! Too long!) and it is just now today feeling better.

I missed class yesterday which I'm sad about, and I have make up work to do today- and I'm not even sure if my teachers will accept it. I hope they will.

Something to share...

I watched Oprah Life-class a few days ago( laying in bed grumpy with ear pain!) and saw something interesting. The class was on anger. I have found I have had a lot of anger recently wondering WHY WHY WHY WHY...for a million different things. Some pertaining to tmau- Some not.

A quote was stated on the show about how to release anger. Oprah explained that releasing anger has to do with releasing the hope that the past could be any different. As soon as I heard that I realized how much energy I spend wishing events in High school, college and even graduate school were vastly different. Hearing that softens the sting of past pains. I hope it does for you too.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Stay Inspired

Dear Readers,

I am pleased that my liver and thyroid is healing. I have had more energy and have had better sleep.

Today I did nothing but write fiction. I only took breaks to eat, and then to go to a bookstore just to be around books.

I felt inspired.

Our souls need inspiration. Find things you love, let it inspire you.


-Black Rose

What I am thankful for...

Even in this struggle with tmau...there are still many things to be thankful for

I am thankful for...

The ability to see

The ability to walk

Having my own comfortable apartment

Having money to support myself and my needs

Freedom

A loving Family

Beautiful sunsets which keep me inspired

Mental Health

The opportunity to attend school

Knowing God loves me, sees me, and desires me

green apples

Rain

Being alive




What does your list look like?


-Black Rose

I know what It feels Like...

I know what it feels like to be so intensely embarrassed that all you can do is stay frozen

I know how it feels to be so focused mentally on "getting through" a embarrassing moment that you feel like your outside of yourself watching yourself in pain

I know what it feels like to be so angry that you are the one being emotionally tortured by people who just don't know any better

I know what it feels like to think of the pain of tmau so often that you are desperate for an escape

I know what it feels like to be so distraught about reality that you begin to live in your mind for comfort and release

I know what it feels like to feel broken-hearted over loosing a close friend, or possible close friend to something you can not control

I know what it feels like to be looked at with shock and repulsion

I know what it feels like to feel completely hopeless that the next day will be any different from the last, that the teasing will continue, that the pain will persist

I know what it feels like to live a lie to run from my pain


I know what it feels like.


(You are not alone. Hug)


Sincerely,


Black Rose

Cruelty, Hope and Other things on my mind....

Dear Reader,

Today I was thinking about cruelty. I was thinking about how we as humans all have the possible drive to be cruel to others.


I read a great article on cruelty and how to understand it in others, and undo it in yourself.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/200912/the-true-cause-cruelty

I was specifically thinking about people who are suffering and harassed for things beyond their control. I was even thinking about how I used to tease my little brother when I was younger, how I was talked about for my tmau, and about people I've met who cruelly use people.

I don't want cruelty to have any place in my heart and I want to be able to respond with more understanding with others who are cruel to me.

Enjoy the article.

I also saw this show about this lovely young girl who has a medical condition that has aged her face. She is beautiful and I wish she knew it and it hurts me to see how awful people are to her.
The girl inspired me though, she still had hope for her life. We have to hold onto our hope no matter what.

Recently I have watched hope dwindle in my life. I stopped believing that good things were in the future for me. I started to only feel the pain of life and no beauty.

Last night. I decided to hold onto hope no matter what- and the beauty of life came back in that moment.

The video is sad so its not for the faint of heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SZ8MVvoBDw

God bless you

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Judgemental Eyes and Warm Eyes

Dear Readers,

I slept 2 hours last night. Recently I have not written on this blog nearly as much as I wanted to but...I will not stop with this blog because it is my therapy and it strengthens me to strengthen others.
Also, I am strengthened by those who read this blog.
I stayed up horribly late last night working on a presentation for my class.
I was so nervous readers....nervous of the reactions of my class as I stood in front of them.

It is the class with the girl that I had to approach once because I had an tmau occurrence around her- I explained very briefly about tmau and that was that.

However, I get nervous around people that I know have at some time judged me or misunderstood me because of the tmau. I feel like the expression of people who don't understand my condition is pure harsh, critical judgement( which never feels good).

I was blessed to see some warm eyes during the presentation though. A few people came up to me and said I did a good job.

Now....I sleep.

(well...quick snack before I do....cooked green apples. By the way....Happy new month-November)


God bless.

Sincerely,

Black Rose