Wonderful video about tmau

Dear Readers,

Inspiring YouTube video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trlfAl2NpQo&feature=fvst

Stronger!

Dear Readers,

I have an awesome brother( 2 actually). I called the older one last night with my emotions awry. He is the calmest, most unaffected man on the face of the earth. He is kind and compassionate and very artistic and popular at his campus.
His "whatever" attitude settles me down in my most crazed moments.
I am the quirky, bookish, quiet girl and he is the music making, hipster- the king of calm.

Anyway,
For the first time in my life I told him about the tmau and explained all about it. He had no idea. He said hes never smelled anything around me.
He listened to me and encouraged me.

He told me to do things to raise my self esteem. He told me to go shopping, try different style- like hipster....(hum maybe :).

He told me to stop feeling like I need to be nice all the time, and be honest with my emotions and become even more sociable to spite my tmau. To voice my voice.

He told me that he's smelled people before- he said he smelled girls in High School and College and even one of his close friends once. He said he approached a cute girl at one point and she smelled and he still just thought that she was cute.

He said to not care what anyone things of me and to focus on the people who like me.

He said everyone has their struggles even if I cant see them.


Hooray to being stronger!

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Why have I had to suffer?

Today I woke up bitter.
I felt bitter toward Life.
Toward myself.
Toward God.

My heart was hard today, trying to hide my pain.

I vented today.

I cried today.

It got really ugly.

About an hour ago I called one of my good friends and asked why God has allowed me to suffer so much and told her that I did not want to trust Him anymore.

She encouraged me that although she didn't know why God allowed suffering- there is a reason for everything and that He loves me very much and will never leave me.

Her words healed the pain of the day.

Romans 11:36 helped me too.

She told me about many of the people on the news she has seen who had been through deep struggles. She told me also about a young man on "Dancing with Stars" a burn victim, who is turning a tragedy to triumph.


Writing now, I feel better. I know that some days-like this one- will be very hard. But I know God loves me even if I cant see it.

He loves you too-very much.


Sincerely,

Black Rose

Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

I have just realized that you have left wonderful comments for me. I am still getting used to blogger. I have left comments for you in return :)

Today I met with a professor. He sat right next to me! That always makes me nervous- but oh well! I think the meeting went fine- he was just checking one of my papers.

I will probably not sleep tonight. I spent a lot of the day writing fiction instead of studying.

Tomorrow I will grocery shop. I will make sure to only get tmau friendly foods.

God Bless

Sincerely,

Back Rose

(Notice comments in "Tmau and Shame" and "When I'm not in control..")

When I try to hide truth from myself ( Denial)

Dear Reader,

I have been in my apartment the last two days struggling on a paper and watching tv. I miss my family. I miss my friends.
I feel like a hermit.
I feel like I am in hiding.
But..I don't have the mental, physical or emotional strength to mingle right now.

Outside- through my big window-Its gorgeous, sunny and the trees are orange.
Before it gets too late outside I will take a walk.

Ive been thinking about issues to write about and one came to mind- Denial.
Even before tmau- when I was real young, I realized that I could detach myself from the pain I was feeling and just ignore the reality of the hurt. I could live in a fantasy where things worked out the way I wanted.

In High School when my tmau occurrences began I was perfectly traumatized as I would sit in class extremely worried whether or not I was smelling and If anyone was talking about me.
The way I coped with the pain of it all was more or less denying how painful it was to struggle with tmau. I doodled on the sides of my notebooks during class to calm my nerves. I would often write stories and poetry in class to "escape" the classroom and my classmates. Sometimes I would have an awful day where someone was talking about me and I would deny even hearing them, then I would rush home and read stories about far away lands.

Now, at 24 I still have a issue with dealing with pain or unfavorable experiences. It feels much more comfortable to me to live in denial about pain I feel, experiences I have, things I say, things I do. Everything. In my mind it feels like my denial protects me- but it Does NOT.

It keeps me from healing.

Now when something painful happens I try to let myself experience the reality.

If I am sad. I'm going to let myself cry over whatever is the painful reality- not the painful but easier fantasy.

I may call my mom or treat myself to a cup of tea or watch a good movie . But, I am not going to pretend.

A little denial is natural. It helps the mind cope when pain is toooo intense. However, Ive made it a lifestyle in some ways.

There's no reason for me to have to deny who I am and what Ive been through.

I have my pains.

Ive made my mistakes.

There are some memories that I wish I could rewrite- but cant.

I have my fears.

There are dreams I am still waiting on.

There are truths I know- that I don't like- but cant change





And I don't have to hide any of that.


God Bless


Sincerely,

Black Rose

Hello :) Im back

Dear Readers,
I am sorry that I have not written in so long.
My computer had to be taken in for repair( took the whole week).

I am back now :)

This past week was somewhat lonely. In class I've been keeping to myself because in my business with homework and papers, I don't feel like dealing with other opinions of me.

I do have at least one person in each class which are kind to me and talk with me before and after class.

The B-2 vitamin has truly reduced the occurrences and strength of the odor- which is a blessing. I noticed people sitting closer to me and I feel more confident when I have to talk to someone in the class.

Ive just felt a bit isolated. In all honestly this week probably felt harder because I did not have the opportunity to write on this blog and draw strength from encouraging and being encouraged. I feel so much better just typing out my thoughts at this very moment while sipping on some soup....

*Hug* Sincerely,

Black Rose

Being Kind to Ourselves

Dear Readers,
Its easy to beat up on ourselves over tmau. We may feel like we should be angry at ourselves or our bodies...
I am learning to be kind to myself.
I am accepting that I am powerless over somethings.


Today
the weather was perfect. Cool, sunny, colorful.

I wrote a lot of poetry today.
Poems about everything

My hopes

Dreams

Fears

Pains

Joys



God Bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Tmau and Anger

Dear Readers,

Recently Ive felt angry about the fact that my social life is not the way I would want it to be.
I am a lively person and because of my concerns with tmau I have been unable to fully express myself as I would like.
I was feeling cranky about it last night before I went to bed.
I turned on the tv and began watching Oprah's network.
On the show there was a young man, who had been a solider.
He is now blind, and has severe trauma to his mind. He can not walk by himself, process thoughts easily or speak easily.
Before he had been a young, vibrant man.
Now he has to live the rest of his life struggling with the small movements and thought processes that come so easily to us.
He lost so much defending us.
After I saw that I felt differently.
I am thankful for what I have

Who I am

And the good I have experienced.


Sincerely,

Black Rose

Loss leads to deeper compassion

Today it was raining again. I love it.

The rain makes me even more introspective than normal. I love to write and contemplate life when there is rain outside my window.

I thought today about loss.

I thought about the loss I've endured in my life due to tmau. Loss of friendships, possible friendships, complete confidence with my body, social experiences, care-free interactions with others- and loss of that "I can do anything" feeling I had as a child. I can not deny the loss I have experienced. The loss is real.

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go back and remove myself from the days and moments that now cause me ache to reflect on. However, I can only live for this moment now.

While tmau does sometimes bring loss we must remember that loss is a part of life. No one is exempt from loss.

Consider people who lose a child in a car accident, lose their memory in old age, lose their ability to see, lose their spouse to an affair, lose their dream for love to reality of abuse, lose their health to a illness......and the list goes on.
Everyone has pain.
Everyone has moments that they hate to remember and wish wish wish never happened. Everyone. Your pain is Real and it matters. God sees it( and sees you) and your pain will not be wasted.

Some of the most compassionate people have suffered the most.
You can end up being someone's strength.

*Hug*( with love)

Sincerely,

Black Rose

I deserve...

I deserve....______

Dear Reader,
Today it was raining. Driving home from campus the sky was thick with clouds. The trees have begun to turn colors. Vibrant red leaves everywhere.
It was stunning.
Somethings been on my mind. I had a long time friend who doesn't talk to me much anymore because of experiencing my tmau. Recently Ive been feeling rather sad about it. I try not to dwell on it much. It is sad, no doubt about that, but there is a larger purpose even in what seems like arbitrary emotional torture. Our lives are precious stories, and no line in our "books" are there for no reason.

I deserve...._______

I was thinking about the shame issue, because I feel like it is the core of the emotional distress that comes with tmau. Tmau makes us feel flawed and undeserving of good, true, and lasting things.

I have been reminding myself to not let myself hold onto toxic shame about events I could not control- and to remind myself that I deserve to experience the beauty of life.

I deserve to milk the joy out of even hard seasons, and so do you.


God bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Sometimes living in Reality hurts like crazy...but I will choose to live here anyway

I don't know when I first learned that I could use fantasy to sooth my pain. I think I learned very early on- I've always been a imaginative and creative person.
After I started struggling with tmau, writing fiction became my joy- a way to interact in a world I created without shame, fear or grief. In many ways writing kept me strong.
Recently though, I realize I have a hard time living in Reality when it is less than pleasing. Hard facts makes me want to escape into a story, or into a imagined story line that would be better and less painful. Through my imagination I can infuse into my life- closeness, when I feel lonely or acceptance when I feel rejected. The problem is I find myself taking long vacations from "real life" and "whats true."
The truth is, sometimes Reality can hurt like crazy

But I will choose to live here anyway.




(No more fantasy defense mechanism...I will save my imagination for my stories)


How do you cope with life's pains?


God bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Liver and Thyroid....so...slow..to...heal!

I prefer the all natural approach with healing, whenever I can. My natural doctor has been patiently working with me since the beginning of this year to heal my body of candida, sluggish thyroid and liver and multiple vitamin deficiencies. I am becoming healthier everyday but it has taken so long that I feel frustrated and spent.

The past few days I have had to rest as much as I could. I didn't have much energy for anything. Today I was able to do some grocery shopping. I always keep my tmau and candida in mind when I buy food. I don't eat any of the foods on the tmau and candida "Don't Eat" list- except for raisins. I like raisins in my oatmeal for breakfast. ( Guilty Pleasure) I read somewhere that organic raisins are less troublesome...so I'm going to start buying those.

By the way readers, I think the B-2 vitamin is actually lessening the odor. :) I take a small dose, one time a day because I'm sensitive and want to see how it works with my body.
The article I referenced in my last post says... Recommended intake is 30-40mg taken 3-5 times per day with food.

I'm not there yet. I only found a 50mg at the store and I just take that once a day- for now, until I feel comfortable with taking more.
Readers remember, be careful with your body. Don't overtake anything- even vitamins! Take vitamin doses recommended by a trusted doctor familiar with tmau or trusted tmau health articles. Monitor yourself to see if it is agreeing with your body.

God bless
*hug*

Sincerely,

Black Rose

God loves you (even if others reject you)

Some things are so painful...like loosing someone close in your life because of rejection. That hurts-Badly.
I was thinking about that today... yet I know that there is a reason for everything.

To sooth the pain of rejection from people- know God loves you. GOD LOVES YOU AND ALWAYS WILL! I do not understand why I, or others have had to suffer the things I have but I know there is a plan in all of it and that none of my tears are wasted.

Not

even

one

drop.

(and none of yours will be wasted either)

*hug*

Sincerely,

Black Rose

B-2 and a note on the mirror

Today was a good day.
I presented on that dystopian novel and I feel it went well.
Also, Yesterday I brought B-2 vitamin at the advice of a reader( much thanks :) and found that although I was tense and anxious while presenting-their was no odor.
Below is a good read about tmau information. Towards the bottom it mentions B-2.

http://www.genome.gov/11508983

Today when I went to the bathroom mirror on campus and looked up- their was a note. It said-

"You are so Valuable"

I had to smile because it was right in my eyesight and just made me feel wonderful- so I am going to pass it on...because it is true.

You are so Valuable

God bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Positive Therapy

Dear Readers,
The last couple of days have been non-stop schoolwork. I am frazzled and feel....somewhat awful. My head feels tense and even music isn't calming me. UGH! (ranting face!)
I just finished reading a book, which I'll admit- I chose without much research. I chose the book to present on this Tuesday. However, the book is DEPRESSING. Its a dystopian novel, more or less about a nation without empathy or clean water...or effective police. I am half way done the book and I have called two people to rant about how much of a downer it is. Its beautifully written but so grim and strange that I can not and will not recommend it!
Anyway,
During my reading break I saw a show on tv called The Emotional Life. The part that I caught was very interesting- about a new therapy called "Positive Therapy." From what I understood the therapy has to do with focusing on the positive parts of yourself and your life. I am interested in learning more about it. But for tonight...I will create my own positive therapy.

Black Rose's October 1st Positive Therapy

1. It was chilly today- I love chill
2. The cashier smiled nicely at me at the health food store
3. I finished that paper and sent it in!
4. I read that terrifying book which made me (VERY) thankful to be safe, have food and comfort
5. I am now getting sleepy and am in for a relaxing deep sleep

What was your positive for the day?

Happy October 1st Readers :)

Sincerely,

Black Rose