Tmau and Dating

My tmau started my late sophomore year of High School. It was horribly stressful because everyday I would worry if someone was talking about me, or if I was offending someone or If I'd lose a friend. I did not know what was happening since I knew nothing of tmau. Simply said...It was traumatic. As much of a hopeless romantic as I am, I pushed that aside. I didn't want to get close to a boy who I liked from fear of offending him. I still had crushes...which I would just write about in my journal.
In college a guy I liked began to pursue me and for some reason, my tmau occurrences were much less in college-I began dating the guy. I always had the fear in the back of my mind that he would know my struggle. Not long into the relationship I realized that something wasn't right....it didn't feel genuine and I deeply doubted the truth of what I was experiencing. Finally i concluded, it wasn't true- there wasn't a emotional connection on his part and he wasn't "in love with me" as he professed. Still....I stayed.
Why?
I figured that a fake relationship was as close as id ever come to "love." I know- a sad philosophy. I know it had a lot to do with the shame of tmau experiences in high school, the rejection and feeling undesirable (even though my family loved me deeply). I didn't feel beautiful. I did not feel feminine and I had such a dejected persona that I could not imagine a guy actually loving me for me and wanting to commit to me.

Since that experience in my life many things have changed. I no longer walk around with sad embarrassed eyes. I may sometimes be sad over embarrassing tmau occurrences or days gone wrong but I know I am special. I know that I am strong and that I have unique gifts to bring to life.
I decided that I deserve to walk in truth, even if it is difficult. I will not hide behind fantasy or lies.
When a season of love comes in my life I will not be afraid to be known and accept whatever truth flows from that.

Sincerely,

Black Rose