My struggle with Escapism

I realize that I struggle with Escapism. I have used many different fantasy outlets to try and escape the pain I have dealt with from rejection. In High School when it began- I became fascinated with dreams and sleep. I felt the most peace and escape while sleeping and through my dreams I was able to experience something other than the daily stress and pain of living with tmau.

I would also frequently wonder what it was like to be someone else. In High School I also began to delve into fiction writing which is perhaps the healthiest and yet most powerful form of escape for me.

College was different. I had less stress. My tmau was barely noticeable-- but I was still filled with shame and pain over what I had been through in High School. I remember being at a point where I was desiring a boyfriend but as I wrote on a small yellow paper in between class "I did not want to be known." I did not want anyone to know about my tmau and all my shame so I escaped that shame as best I could. My escapism then came in the form of a "relationship" that I knew was fake but convinced myself was true and would heal all my wounds. That ended in me thinking I'd lost something real.

Now in graduate school my tmau issues have felt like High School all over again. I know I am struggling with PTSD like symptoms: helplessness, dissociation when under stress, low self esteem etc. In this period of my life many of my forms of escapism have melted away. I cant delude myself for long periods of time into believing I "had love" in college. I don't seek to remember and analyze every nighttime dream-- as if dreams are more interesting and valuable than real life. Some days I look at other girls and wish I was like them, carefree-- but usually I tend to my own wounds and treat myself to something that makes me smile ( a new book, phone call, walk on a warm day, movie, shirt, relaxing bath).

I still write though, and I always will.

With love

Black Rose