Today I hurt and am ANGRY at God

Today I hurt

I felt so angry thinking about how other people can move freely and not worry about tmau

I felt so angry and jealous looking at young mothers with children- married and smiling. It made me think about my dreams to marry and have kids and the pain of rejection I've endured in my adult life has made that feel so impossible.

I felt so angry at God for not protecting me. Frankly in this moment He seems deeply cruel and corrupt to me. I'm sure my parents would gasp at that statement but I don't care-- my parents have not lived through what I have lived through.

I feel like its SOOO much easier for people to follow God that have not endured a dehumanizing medical conditions such as tmau. I get so annoyed when people act like its so easy for them with their relationship with God.

My relationship with God is at this point a thin fiber. I tell God i don't want to talk to him again but then I do because in reality I am all alone inside myself. No one understands exactly the pain in myself-- sadly-- except God.

I rage at God because Im hurting SOOO BAD and hes just watching!?--- and then I rush to him to tell him how unbelievably sad, alone, confused and desperate I feel. Then someone tells me something and I feel inspired-- I am Lazarus, I am Job, I am the bleeding woman....then I feel inspired-- and think to myself God does love me and the suffering is for a reason.

I gain a little trust.

I feel a little rest.

Then something happens. A slight rejection, a perceived or even imaginary rejection and I feel all alone again-- unsafe, unprotected, scared, hurt, bleeding in my soul, screaming and making no sound, I feel like a invisible child

and then I rage at God again-- because once again-- He has let me suffer in the ways that most wounds my mind.

 Im enraged at God for letting me hurt and suffer not only from tmau, but PTSD from tmau.

Its a sad place to be. But im going to be frank-- that is my relationship with God right now. I hope it will not always be like this, but that is where I am. 

Life seems so dark right now frankly. My PTSD symptoms are intense and I just realized the past two semesters in school the stress had caused me to dissociate. For two semesters I was more or less detached from my true self/ emotions/feelings/ thoughts. Wonderful( sarcastic voice)

My bodies starting to thaw out-- but im like dang....is this really going to be how life goes for me...

I need something stable, a rest, a cushion and I need that now....I need to know i am safe because I could not feel more unsafe in this world

My PTSD symptoms also cause me to feel VERY HELPLESS A LOT. It is a awful feeling and I am very accustomed to it.

Right now I am sad. Period.

Send hugs for me through your thoughts. :) 

I send you all hugs with my thoughts....

hug

With Love,

Black Rose