Bitter Sweet Days

My days have been bitter sweet.

Some days I feel God is carrying me through, some days He lets me feel the pain of rejection, stress, hurt-- some days He lets me suffer something wild

One of my smells is at times a burnt smell almost like rubber or cigarette smoke.

unfortunately one guy at my job commented when he stood near me that something smelled like it was burning-- twice! I think he and maybe a few other people think I smoke cigarettes ( one guy implied he thought I did)....yet I have never smoked anything a day in my life....

Grr....Tmau is the weirdest

some of my experiences are so bizarre its almost funny...if it didn't hurt so bad :(

Regardless, so far everyone at work is nice to me....

I even have a guy who gave me his number and we have talked on the phone and texted.

It has been nice to talk to a guy and have someone interested in me

I don't necessarily except anything to come of it but I like his personality so far. He seems kind, and hes had hurt in his life-- and ive been known to be very attracted to people with wounds.

He doesn't seem manipulative or mean though, which usually is attached to my wounded attractions.

Anyway...his attention has given me some "Sweet" to all my "Bitter" moments.

And...as for God.....

 God has been doing weird things toward me.

I can tell he loves me some days so clear-- I will find a book in a store that addresses the exact pains of my heart

It will rain very very hard and I will feel peace right when I was about to have a emotional breakdown. ( Im obsessed with rain)

He  will carry me through a semester that I expected to fail. Ex. I was unable to finish my final paper and exam- stress/health reasons. I should have failed....my teacher initially was going to fail me--but then miraculously gave me two more weeks.....

I have now been told three times by three separate people over a span of several months about the story of Lazarus as applied to my current state of suffering....how Jesus waited and Lazarus died and then Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead...

How Jesus mourned because he loved Lazarus, but he had to wait...

Some days I'm so angry and hurt about God not protecting me from all the trauma I have experienced....and whether I know why or not....God is definitely waiting....he knows that I am "dying" emotionally, or my dreams are dying, and He is waiting...

I'm curious to know what it will feel like when he raises my dreams from the dead...

I cant wait