Fear of what is going to happen tomorrow

tomorrow

tomorrow 

tomorrow

...it is easy for people who have nothing to fear to not fear tomorrow. I have much to fear because daily I struggle with tmau

rejection Hurts

loss HURTS
 

being ignored...HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

only people who have experienced chronic social rejection as I have will understand

Recently....I have made a new friend

a guy

who I like and he seems to like me

He has struggled a lot in his life 

and I think he could sense that I have too

which makes me feel vulnerable 

but I guard myself like a warrior-- it would have to be a intensely- in -love -with- me-take-on-all-my past-future-and pain- man to get through the barriers I have constructed around myself

....I don't smell all the time, and I find I rarely do in moments of peace

I feel peace with the guy friend

for now anyway

I have no expectations

of course I have dreams

but I have been hurt too much to expect anything in relationships besides my family and very close friends

I feel like at any moment- BAM! I can experience painful rejection....

ugh

 

still my daily prayer to God recently has been somewhat emo....but its the truth

"God" I say

"I have done all I can do with what I have control over-- the rest is up to you. If you want I will suffer or I will have peace. I want your help, I ask that you rescue me-- I don't want to suffer."

That's all I can say.

The times I have prayed it God has come through. Though, He never seems to eliminate all pain from my life. Nor is He afraid to devastate me.But He always does eventually comfort me in my devastation....even though I am flailing around on the ground in tears and anger at Him

My moments of devastation must have purpose

But much of this fear is that I know God has said He would rescue me-- but not yet. I have been told three times that God is waiting to heal me...

but the good thing is that He said He would heal me ( not just healing from tmau, soul healing, heart healing, emotions...etc)

the Bad thing....right now severe suffering seems like a constant threat

I am warn out from waiting

but...I think it is coming soon :)

Hugs