Unfortunately I realize I'm still like that
For that reason Stress impacts me very badly- I have a hard time distancing myself from an painful event/ mistake/ failed attempt/ whatever else...and the result is me walking around feeling BAD
Worthless, Stupid, Rejected
...So you can imagine having tmau makes that shame a lot worse-- and even dangerous
Ive realized that Ive had enhanced self-defeating/ masochistic/ even pain addicted responses to hurt
Example:
-Meditating on "What if I don't do well on this paper" till I feel like my hair will fall out
-I got a bad look ( or what I perceive as a bad look) and the result is I feel AWFUL-- like I don't belong on the earth
-Thinking on painful experiences like a full time job
-Thinking my worth is only how others see me
- I even think I may be addicted to emotional pain( something that may have come about in childhood)External emotional pain always felt better than my own inner hurt.
I was intensely sensitive child.
I'm now a intensely sensitive woman still trying to accept myself and not torture myself for things I can not control.
I'm trying to find better ways to shame soothe: Healthy ways
...No easy task
I need to make peace with that sensitive little girl still inside me...
Yours truly,
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