Self hate

I have been reading a lot about self hate.

Its one dangerous force.

I realize I struggle with self hate at times, and not only because tmau-- I realize I have struggled with it since I was young- because of insecurities and fear of not being enough.

Self hate may be causing more damage to me than I am aware.
I hide, I become jealous, I give up, I don't ask for help because I don't think I deserve help when I am in pain, I abandon my needs and hopes, I imagine a negative future for myself.

Some days I even wish I could hurt myself. There are days when I do hurt myself by emotionally torturing myself over things I can not control.

Some moments in time I lose all sense of value in myself. I rage at mysef, I side with those who reject me, I dissolve into fear of the future.... But not tonight

Tonight I will act as if the past is dead and matters no more and any future pain is able to be overcome no matter how ugly and impossible I will always have myself and even though I have my anger toward God- He said He will never leave.

I will hold onto that, even if I do not understand what that means right now
If any of you are adventurous or like rock.
This song from flyleaf( and all her songs) struck me.

Notice the lyrics. A burn victim? A victim of tmau?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YDlhinltW8

Even if we cant feel it ( I honestly cant right now), we are His loves.

He died for us, His loves.

Sincerely,

Black Rose