Fears and the Future

I like to think of myself as someone who is generally fearless ( ha...ha)

I am realizing that is not so.

I have many fears--almost all pertaining to the future.

 "What if" is my favorite game to play with myself. What if this happens. What if that happens.

Its useless though.

I have no control over the future. I can only do my best here and now and hold onto my dreams.

There are limits to my abilities, my vision, my being. I cant see into the future, I cant push myself incessantly, I cant fly away when things hurt.

I can; however-- be brave

and gentle

and that is what I am trying to be.

Lets work on self love together.

With love,

Black Rose

Shame/ Shame Soothing

Since I was young Ive had a extra harsh superego.If I did something bad--I felt bad to my core. 

Unfortunately I realize I'm still like that

For that reason Stress impacts me very badly- I have a hard time distancing myself from an painful event/ mistake/ failed attempt/ whatever else...and the result is me walking around feeling BAD

Worthless, Stupid, Rejected

...So you can imagine having tmau makes that shame a lot worse-- and even dangerous

Ive realized that Ive had enhanced self-defeating/ masochistic/ even pain addicted responses to hurt 

Example:

-Meditating on "What if I don't do well on this paper" till I feel like my hair will fall out

-I got a bad look ( or what I perceive as a bad look) and the result is I feel AWFUL-- like I don't belong on the earth

-Thinking on painful experiences like a full time job

-Thinking my worth is only how others see me

- I even think I may be addicted to emotional pain( something that may have come about in childhood)External emotional pain always felt better than my own inner hurt. 

I was intensely sensitive child.

I'm now a intensely sensitive woman still trying to accept myself and not torture myself for things I can not control.

I'm trying to find better ways to shame soothe: Healthy ways

...No easy task

I need to make peace with that sensitive little girl still inside me...

Yours truly,

Black Rose

I got a Job

I got a job!

Its was a rush going through the process, being interviewed- my mind overwhelmed with thoughts and wondering....

I got a job though...I will be working at athletic/ apparel store as a cashier and a greeter-- oh the irony-- the person most timid in the world as a greeter( its actually kind of funny)

-- the truth is im not really timid, never really was, that just is a byproduct of tmau

How will this go?

Im actually excited. I liked the bigness of the story, the airiness...I actually felt rather safe. The people were very chill- mostly guys

We shall see. 

I will keep with the prayers but I am jumping in cold water

...but then again....with my life- I am always jumping in cold water

Stay tuned...I will write all about my first day

..I am thankful. Part of me feels like this was "for me" from God.

We shall see( nervous face)-- I guess I am rather timid

:)

Yours truly,

Black Rose

TMAU is part of my life

Today I had a uproar of anger

Why have I suffered for so long with this thing called tmau

I could have been different- I tell myself

Not so timid

Not so single

Not so frazzled

Not so afraid

But that is not so...I have tmau. Its part of my life, and part of me. Period. Maybe one day that will not be so-- and I will always hope for that day.

But for today- I will keep moving forward.

Here is a youtube video- testimony of a tmau sufferer/ tmau fighter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SEN0nDtmmA

And here is a song to mellow you out after a long day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKZBrc4VCRQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Dreams I refuse to Let Die

To write a fiction book
To travel somewhere that it rains majority of the time
To fall in love and have someone fall in love with me ( the sonnet 116 love)
To be a teacher of an English class ( LITERATURE 4 LIFE!)
To get married and have babies :)
To spend another day on the beach looking at the sunset like I did all those years ago...

Hold onto your dreams


Love,
Black Rose


Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

–William Shakespeare

Learning to love myself is a slow process

I have been reading about self hatred.
I have a few symptoms
Perfectionism
Harsh self-talk
Attraction to negative relationships

One great definition of self hatred I found was "anger at yourself". Bingo. That's me.
I get angry at myself when I feel I haven't met the standards of others Or my own harsh standards for myself


But I also have a healthy part of me.
The healthy part of myself wants me to be
Compassionate to myself
To respond kindly to my needs and desires
To believe I deserve love

I am a hopeless romantic but I am starting to understand that compassion and love for yourself is a greater love than the love of a partner-- simply because no one can give us the kind of love we can give ourselves.

Black Rose

I am Starting to Look for A Job

Today I looked at my bank account...it is slowly dwindling. I am on my own, have my apartment which I love and living off loans for school. But the loan is not covering me right now sooooo

I am starting to look for a job

Looking for a job is a intense process in general but especially for someone with tmau.
I am nervous but it has to be done. I will try to find a job where I feel comfortable and am not in close contact with people for extended periods of time.

Part of me is wondering why everything has to feel so hard and scary at this point in my life...

Some days are unbearably painful right now but I am still alive, I can walk, I can breath and I am going to find a job that I enjoy and feel comfortable in ( God willing)

I will keep you readers updated on the job hunt

Sincerely,
Black Rose

Self hate

I have been reading a lot about self hate.

Its one dangerous force.

I realize I struggle with self hate at times, and not only because tmau-- I realize I have struggled with it since I was young- because of insecurities and fear of not being enough.

Self hate may be causing more damage to me than I am aware.
I hide, I become jealous, I give up, I don't ask for help because I don't think I deserve help when I am in pain, I abandon my needs and hopes, I imagine a negative future for myself.

Some days I even wish I could hurt myself. There are days when I do hurt myself by emotionally torturing myself over things I can not control.

Some moments in time I lose all sense of value in myself. I rage at mysef, I side with those who reject me, I dissolve into fear of the future.... But not tonight

Tonight I will act as if the past is dead and matters no more and any future pain is able to be overcome no matter how ugly and impossible I will always have myself and even though I have my anger toward God- He said He will never leave.

I will hold onto that, even if I do not understand what that means right now
If any of you are adventurous or like rock.
This song from flyleaf( and all her songs) struck me.

Notice the lyrics. A burn victim? A victim of tmau?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YDlhinltW8

Even if we cant feel it ( I honestly cant right now), we are His loves.

He died for us, His loves.

Sincerely,

Black Rose