Loss leads to deeper compassion

Today it was raining again. I love it.

The rain makes me even more introspective than normal. I love to write and contemplate life when there is rain outside my window.

I thought today about loss.

I thought about the loss I've endured in my life due to tmau. Loss of friendships, possible friendships, complete confidence with my body, social experiences, care-free interactions with others- and loss of that "I can do anything" feeling I had as a child. I can not deny the loss I have experienced. The loss is real.

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go back and remove myself from the days and moments that now cause me ache to reflect on. However, I can only live for this moment now.

While tmau does sometimes bring loss we must remember that loss is a part of life. No one is exempt from loss.

Consider people who lose a child in a car accident, lose their memory in old age, lose their ability to see, lose their spouse to an affair, lose their dream for love to reality of abuse, lose their health to a illness......and the list goes on.
Everyone has pain.
Everyone has moments that they hate to remember and wish wish wish never happened. Everyone. Your pain is Real and it matters. God sees it( and sees you) and your pain will not be wasted.

Some of the most compassionate people have suffered the most.
You can end up being someone's strength.

*Hug*( with love)

Sincerely,

Black Rose

I deserve...

I deserve....______

Dear Reader,
Today it was raining. Driving home from campus the sky was thick with clouds. The trees have begun to turn colors. Vibrant red leaves everywhere.
It was stunning.
Somethings been on my mind. I had a long time friend who doesn't talk to me much anymore because of experiencing my tmau. Recently Ive been feeling rather sad about it. I try not to dwell on it much. It is sad, no doubt about that, but there is a larger purpose even in what seems like arbitrary emotional torture. Our lives are precious stories, and no line in our "books" are there for no reason.

I deserve...._______

I was thinking about the shame issue, because I feel like it is the core of the emotional distress that comes with tmau. Tmau makes us feel flawed and undeserving of good, true, and lasting things.

I have been reminding myself to not let myself hold onto toxic shame about events I could not control- and to remind myself that I deserve to experience the beauty of life.

I deserve to milk the joy out of even hard seasons, and so do you.


God bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Sometimes living in Reality hurts like crazy...but I will choose to live here anyway

I don't know when I first learned that I could use fantasy to sooth my pain. I think I learned very early on- I've always been a imaginative and creative person.
After I started struggling with tmau, writing fiction became my joy- a way to interact in a world I created without shame, fear or grief. In many ways writing kept me strong.
Recently though, I realize I have a hard time living in Reality when it is less than pleasing. Hard facts makes me want to escape into a story, or into a imagined story line that would be better and less painful. Through my imagination I can infuse into my life- closeness, when I feel lonely or acceptance when I feel rejected. The problem is I find myself taking long vacations from "real life" and "whats true."
The truth is, sometimes Reality can hurt like crazy

But I will choose to live here anyway.




(No more fantasy defense mechanism...I will save my imagination for my stories)


How do you cope with life's pains?


God bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Liver and Thyroid....so...slow..to...heal!

I prefer the all natural approach with healing, whenever I can. My natural doctor has been patiently working with me since the beginning of this year to heal my body of candida, sluggish thyroid and liver and multiple vitamin deficiencies. I am becoming healthier everyday but it has taken so long that I feel frustrated and spent.

The past few days I have had to rest as much as I could. I didn't have much energy for anything. Today I was able to do some grocery shopping. I always keep my tmau and candida in mind when I buy food. I don't eat any of the foods on the tmau and candida "Don't Eat" list- except for raisins. I like raisins in my oatmeal for breakfast. ( Guilty Pleasure) I read somewhere that organic raisins are less troublesome...so I'm going to start buying those.

By the way readers, I think the B-2 vitamin is actually lessening the odor. :) I take a small dose, one time a day because I'm sensitive and want to see how it works with my body.
The article I referenced in my last post says... Recommended intake is 30-40mg taken 3-5 times per day with food.

I'm not there yet. I only found a 50mg at the store and I just take that once a day- for now, until I feel comfortable with taking more.
Readers remember, be careful with your body. Don't overtake anything- even vitamins! Take vitamin doses recommended by a trusted doctor familiar with tmau or trusted tmau health articles. Monitor yourself to see if it is agreeing with your body.

God bless
*hug*

Sincerely,

Black Rose

God loves you (even if others reject you)

Some things are so painful...like loosing someone close in your life because of rejection. That hurts-Badly.
I was thinking about that today... yet I know that there is a reason for everything.

To sooth the pain of rejection from people- know God loves you. GOD LOVES YOU AND ALWAYS WILL! I do not understand why I, or others have had to suffer the things I have but I know there is a plan in all of it and that none of my tears are wasted.

Not

even

one

drop.

(and none of yours will be wasted either)

*hug*

Sincerely,

Black Rose

B-2 and a note on the mirror

Today was a good day.
I presented on that dystopian novel and I feel it went well.
Also, Yesterday I brought B-2 vitamin at the advice of a reader( much thanks :) and found that although I was tense and anxious while presenting-their was no odor.
Below is a good read about tmau information. Towards the bottom it mentions B-2.

http://www.genome.gov/11508983

Today when I went to the bathroom mirror on campus and looked up- their was a note. It said-

"You are so Valuable"

I had to smile because it was right in my eyesight and just made me feel wonderful- so I am going to pass it on...because it is true.

You are so Valuable

God bless

Sincerely,

Black Rose

Positive Therapy

Dear Readers,
The last couple of days have been non-stop schoolwork. I am frazzled and feel....somewhat awful. My head feels tense and even music isn't calming me. UGH! (ranting face!)
I just finished reading a book, which I'll admit- I chose without much research. I chose the book to present on this Tuesday. However, the book is DEPRESSING. Its a dystopian novel, more or less about a nation without empathy or clean water...or effective police. I am half way done the book and I have called two people to rant about how much of a downer it is. Its beautifully written but so grim and strange that I can not and will not recommend it!
Anyway,
During my reading break I saw a show on tv called The Emotional Life. The part that I caught was very interesting- about a new therapy called "Positive Therapy." From what I understood the therapy has to do with focusing on the positive parts of yourself and your life. I am interested in learning more about it. But for tonight...I will create my own positive therapy.

Black Rose's October 1st Positive Therapy

1. It was chilly today- I love chill
2. The cashier smiled nicely at me at the health food store
3. I finished that paper and sent it in!
4. I read that terrifying book which made me (VERY) thankful to be safe, have food and comfort
5. I am now getting sleepy and am in for a relaxing deep sleep

What was your positive for the day?

Happy October 1st Readers :)

Sincerely,

Black Rose